Red Line

Part 1

It was 3 am and i was sitting in my bed thinking of nothing but pain...counting tomorrow,college finishes in a week and everyone's talking about their fancy futures in university or their job or anything,it's the future and they are going to make it.every body,except me.personally I think there is no future it's just gonna happen,I'm so weak to make it by my own,it's gonna go on and happen-or maybe not...
So i started to dress up at 6.looked at my self in the mirror,a 19 year old boy with colored hair and piercings-a white Tshirt with the word "rock" on it and black jeans.I never did this things to look cool,I never cared.never wanted to be awesome for anyone I mean till 15 I was the smart kid who didn't care and since then I am the numb one who is weird...I wasn't even interested in girls at any age...guys are better I guess but I've never fall for anyone and probably I will never.the reason of this punk look is that I want people to think I'm weird,not depressed . so they won't ask me questions that makes me feel like a 5 years old kid who goes to therapist every weekend.
The other thing that people ask me -specially relatives- every chance they get is that how is it going with my relationships.I never get that!why is this so important for them!! It's my own life who the hell are they to ask me this! Once it was a party and my aunt asked if I have any girls or not and I shouted:"sorry? I'm gay aunty!"
Every body went to a dead silent...being gay is not really ok in my family,the only one who has got no problem really is my mom.she always says that your partners sex isn't important and only love matters.bullshit!
I don't even believe in love.
And i really don't know my sexuality since I don't care.
I've never loved any one.
And I never would.
Love is my redline...