The Trade

Love My Pain Away

Winter storms have come

And darkened my sun.

After all that I've been through

Who on earth can I turn to?

I look to you.

I look to you.

After all my strength is gone,

In you I can be strong

I look to you.

I look to you.

And when melodies are gone,

In you I hear a song.

I look to you.

Watching them put my sister in the dirt made this real, too real.

For the past 3 days, I haven't eaten. I barely slept, haven't been to work and I haven't been able to look at Jojo or even hold my own baby, so they've been with Reed.

Sitting in this bath tub where my best friend took her last breaths, made me cry for the first time since it happened

I haven't been able to, and that made me think I'd accepted it before it happened. But that can't be true because every time I close my eyes I see her.

In her room, where I've been sleeping, I hear her laugh and I remember all the good times we had, all of us.

Rico,Reed,Rance,Rais,Rhett,Rylee,me, and mommy.

We were a team, and now my team is even more incomplete

Rance, he took it better than I thought. But I know in my heart, he's all fucked up right now. We all are.

As for Ace...I've never knew what it was like to really hate someone. Thinking about him made my skin crawl, and the fact that he is the father of my child made me feel at fault.

If I hadn't had sex with him, maybe he and Rylee would've never met.

I scratched that from my head as soon as it came because all things happen for a reason, and without him, I wouldn't have Krei.

But tonight I need to let all of it go, I need to get back to work

Aint no food in the fridge, and Jojo and Krei are coming home tomorrow, so I need to get myself together, for them.

“It's okay TT, mommy's okay, she's with Nana now, so she can be happy” Jojo's said that to me earlier at the funeral.

How can my 6 year old nephew say that?

But he's right

And those words been replaying in my head since.

***********************************************************

As I washed my face in the sink I heard someone knocking at the door

“Hey” I said moving out of the way so he could come in

“I know you said you wanted to be alone but I needed to make sure you were okay” he said as I sat next to him on the couch

“Im fine, thank you.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I'll be fine Rod, Im going to have to be for my babies” I smiled reassuringly

“When are they coming back?”

“Tomorrow after class.”

“You gone be alright with them being here?”

“Yeah, this is there home as much as it's mine, I can't keep them away”

“Alright Railin, you gotta work tonight?” he asked rubbing my foot

“Yeah, even though I don't wanna go” I sighed throwing my head back

**************************

Love.

With Rod I check his eyes, and I see it. I see love. He goes out of his way to do things for me and the kids. Jojo's dad is a dead beat, we're not even going to start on Ace, so that fact that he's done more for them then there own fathers shows that he's not playing games, he's not a boy, he's a man. I know he's not checking for other girls, cause if he aint at work, or in class, he's with me. He stayed with me for 3 days, just holding me while I cried. He takes my feelings into consideration, and when Im around him, I light up. My spirits are lifted. Just 5 minutes ago before he got here, I was low. And I still am, just not as low, and I can only feel myself getting higher. I can feel it in his kisses, that he's putting me before all else. And those are the reasons why Im falling in love with him

“You'll let me know if you need anything right?” he asked breaking me outta my thoughts, while still rubbing my feet.

“yeah” I mumbled

“So do you need anything right now?”

I thought about it, and I do need something. And that something is him.

I sat up on the couch and straddled him before kissing him, a kiss I gave all my might , and all the passion I could

He stroked my cheek and kissed my lips just as much affection.

“What are you doing?” he asked while still kissing me

I pulled away

“You asked me if I needed anything”

“And whats that Railin?” he smirked

“I need you to love my pain away  R-”

I was cut off as he slowly started to move his lips on mine again.

Our lips moved in sync with each other as he raised his hands up to my hair and tangled his fingers in it.

His other hand he pulled up to me closer to him by my hips .

I raised up his shirt and slowly started to feel his body.

I moved from his lips to his neck thrusting myself onto his thighs. He placed his hands on my lower back slipping one hand down the back of my sweatpants.

All I cared about at the time was how good it felt kissing him

"I Love You" he panted through the hard kissing .

That did it for me, all I needed was for him to say that for me to feel what I've been needing to feel. And that feeling is being loved.

I rushed off my t-shirt and pressed my chest against his, running my hand over his hardening groin.

I'm no pro at this,I mean I've only done it twice. And if I was doing this wrong I was surely embarrassed, but it felt right doing this to him.

He started to kiss down my  jaw line, as he carried me to my room.

He was leaning over me as he moved from my neck, down to my collar, then kissing my breasts while laying me on the bed

All these feelings rushed over my body, feelings I never experienced anywhere before, and I loved it, and never wanted it to stop

He touched my body so gently and I smiled when he started kissed my stomach and traced my tattoo with his tongue

He roughly pulled off my sweats, then off came his t-shirt.

I sat up and unbuckled his expensive ass Hermes belt with one hand, using the other to run my fingers over his toned stomach.

He climbed back on top of me and turned my head to the side, slowly licking my neck again, then back to my lips I moaned into the kiss, I then pulled away and parted my lips

“I love you too”