You Promised

Chapter Twelve

We are sitting in my garden on a blanket, beside the little stream. He has been quiet and I fear to ask him what is wrong. He sits beside me with his arm placed about my waist staring into the water. I study his face. He has changed somehow. He is more studious. He does not smile and his face has a colder, more calculating edge to it. Although, in some aspects he has not changed at all. When I kissed him, I felt the same fire. He stills speaks to me as tenderly as he did before, but now when he speaks to me he sounds afraid. Like I may disappear. Like he may have to leave again and like he feels that he must say as much as possible in the time he has with me.
He turns to me and notices my observing his face. 'Are you alright Ami?'
'Are you?' I respond quickly.
The corner of his mouth twitches and he pulls me closer. 'You have no idea what it's like out there, Ami.' He says quietly. 'The bombs. The trenches. The death.' His lips quaver and I stop him.
'I had no idea. I had no clue how much you are suffering.' I apologise. He looks down and shakes his head then stops. The world he describes is so different from the world he is shielding me from in his letters. 'I can never know what you are going through.'
'Well what did you think it was like?' He says angrily. 'Did you think that we have parties? That we like being there? It's hell Ami!' He is shouting now. 'Do you have any idea? I've seen men shot. I've seen men be blown to pieces and at the end of the day we are simply told 'Good day today chaps. Same again tomorrow! It's killing us. Not just the dead men. Oh no, they are the lucky ones! It's us who have to live. In those God accursed trenches!'
His anger evaporates and he looks empty. I stand up with him and put my arms around him. 'I've killed people Ami.' He sounds defeated. 'There is blood on my hands. Each of those men, probably had a family. A wife. Children.' He says wistfully. 'I...I took that away. What if one of them had someone like you to protect at home?'
I am unsure how to treat this outburst. I still still for a moment before standing up in front of him, our faces inches away.
I take his hand and kiss each finger. I caress his face and hold his chin up so I can look him in the eye. 'No matter what you do. No matter what you have done. No matter what or who you become, I will always love you. Remember that. Always. I love you. I know that's not enough, that I'm not enough and I most certainly don't deserve you. But what you are doing out there for your country, for me... I can never thank you enough.' A tear flows freely down his perfect cheek. He rests his hand on mine. He brings my hand to his lips and kisses it. His eyes moisten again but I don't look away. 'These things don't change who you are Adam. They define you as a man.' I say unconvincingly. Even I can see, from this brief time together, that he is different.
He then sniffs and looks away. He drops my hands and his own search his pockets frantically. 'I had it....just a minute ago.' He looks horrified. 'Oh Ami, I'm so sorry...' He sounds like he's about to apologise then he stops. His hand comes out of his jacket pocket and I see a small box in it.
He takes a step back from me. Takes a deep breath and he kneels down on one knee.
My heart skips a beat. My breath is coming in short gasps. My eyes widen so much they begin to water. 'Ami...' He starts, sounding uncertain of himself. 'You are the light of my life. The reason I have for breathing. You are what sustains me at war in France. You are my home. Will you do me the immense honour of marrying me?'
I know what I want to say, but I'm utterly speechless. I manage to break into a beaming smile. 'Y-y-yes!!' I stammer. 'A million times yes!' He grins at me then picks me up and spins me around in the air, and I imagine that no matter how high he spins me, you could never see the cloud that I'm standing on.
We hear the front door open. I hear the babble of chatter from my parents.
Adam smiles at me and says. 'I should go ask you fathers permission.'
My happiness bubbles up into delighted giggles that I cannot contain. We walk inside together and I distract my mother in the kitchen with some local gossip and how I saw Adam when he came back.
'Ami....' She says, sounding worried for me. 'He seems different. Definitely more angry. I know how much you love him. How long you've loved him for. I just want you to be careful.'
My brow creases into a frown at her. 'Mother. He asked me to marry him.'
She gasps in shock, 'Oh Ami! I didn't mean....'
'I know. Thank you for your concern, but Adam is wonderful. I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.'
I hop out of the room to wait outside my fathers study. I hear the low hum of their conversation. My father slowly taps a rhythm onto a glass table in his office, forcing my heart to beat along to the same beat. I strain my ears to hear their words. I hear a chair scraping backwards on the wooden floor. The door creaks open and out comes Adam. His eyes dance gleefully. I jump into his arms and he laughs as he kisses me again and again.