polarize // phan

-ten-

i don't wanna be your friend, i wanna kiss your neck

trigger warning: abuse and homophobia (i know, sorry) please please don't read if this may trigger you

"philip, the moment we step out of this car, you are to be on your best behaviour. is that clear?" his mother shrieked, jaggedly pulling out of the drive and onto the road.

before he had even stepped into the car, philip knew that the entire twenty-minute journey would consist of two things - his mother droning on and on about how he simply had to pull his act together, and his own uneasy thoughts surfacing.

and, as he passed the next dull, lifeless concrete street after the next, he attempted to ignore both. imagine the music, he thought. imagine the gorgeous guitar riffs and the perfect bass lines which bolted through the room like an electric shock. picture the blindingly bright lights swishing down onto the roaring crowd, encasing them into the atmosphere, and the one member of the crowd who could easily transform the tiniest specs of light into dazzling stars with his smile...

and, just before that face came into full picture, philip found himself staring out of the car window into another - the crystallised glass, delicately painted with the fancy lettering which formed the restaurant window sat opposite him, almost mocking him.

what if dan thought he hadn't come to talk with him because he hated him? surely he would, since he let go of his hand?

why did he do that?

no, dan was calm, and he always understood. he wouldn't.

"philip! get out the car!"

-

"thanks, see you soon. bye." dan passively sighed, as he led yet another group of customers to the front door. very happy to see them leave, he reluctantly heaved himself back to the bar before resting his head on his hand and gazing out of the window.

while the usual content low-level murmuring and chattering buzzed throughout the room, dan did not seem to be absorbing such high spirits. the past few days for him had been more irritable than they ever had; the constant shadow of his boss' threat had been wavering above him obnoxiously like a grey cloud that would never stop raining , and alongside his own aggravation, the number of easily annoyed customers had clearly been on the rise. he soon found himself becoming more and more hostile toward every person who took longer than usual to order or sent their food back or asked for refills. even the tiniest of problems would be able to make his teeth clench or eyes roll. this meant that he was treading on very thin ice, however he had since been more concerned about other things.

it had almost been two whole weeks since he had last seen phil, and every day since dan had been hoping that he would suddenly turn to see him sheepishly peer his head through the door, sporting his usual forlorn expression. however, each day that passed made that seem less likely, and each day that did seemed longer than a year. for a while dan even contemplated the fact that phil would never come back for him, and soon became angry at the thought; if he actually cared, he would have come around.

and he hadn't.

perhaps, he hated him completely. why wouldn't that be surprising?

if he slammed his eyes shut for longer than a few seconds he could still picture the corner. of course he could, how could he not when he had glared at it for so many hours? in fact, if he gathered every ounce of focus he had and directed it towards blocking out each individual sound that rang throughout the room, he found that he could hear it, too. he could remember it vividly - the undeniably ugly moss-green paint that crawled down the walls in fading, blotchy streaks, and the miserable clusters of dust which collected beneath him on the off-white carpet. the usual overly-loud radio could almost outnumber what else he used to hear, however the deafening yells which could tear the house apart with their volume were practically impossible to conceal. and, while each word felt as though it hit harder than a fist to his face, dan didn't dare move.