polarize // phan

-eight-

are we growing up? or just going down?

it's just a matter of time until we're all found out

"well," dan contently sighed, "i suppose i should drop you off here then, i wouldn't want to be the cause of your death!" his eyes gleamed in reflection of the streetlights while his smile charmingly curved up into his dimple. philip could say that he found this extremely adorable, if he wasn't preoccupied in thought.

while he couldn't help but think that he would be very happy with dying after this day, he quickly remembered that this was real life again; dan contradicting his parents in such a way was bad for him, it had to be. he had a day that he would never forget, but it would never be his reality. anytime that he had ever spent in joy with dan was surely just a distraction from what his life was really like. for the first time for the whole night he didn't chuckle or smile out of caution. while focusing his eyes on the dimly lit street he was about stroll, he wondered if he would be questioned when he stepped in, and deeply hoped that he wouldn't be.

"phil?"

he was so caught up that he had almost forgotten where he was. he turned back to his right, to be faced with a look of concern furrowing dan's brow. he soon realised how long he had been staring up into the sky for.

"s-sorry." he stuttered, his lip subconsciously curling, "see you then.."

his trembling hand shakily stretched out towards the door, and as he half clicked it open, he abruptly drew himself back into his seat, suddenly speaking once again. he couldn't just leave; that certainly wouldn't be polite.

"i had a lovely time, thank you..." he tried harder than ever not to look into his eyes, knowing that if he did he would not be able to get the picture of them out of his head.

before he could reach to the handle again, he felt something warm delicately brush his hand, and on second glance, realised that dan's fingers were slowly curling around his, seeping between the gaps as though they fit perfectly. the tips of his fingers felt numb, despite tingling as though they had been in the most freezing of temperatures. and even though in reality his hands were cold, all he could feel was a hazy warmth that rose up his arm and through his entire body. philip kept his hand flat, and his gaze fixed onto it, trying to form a reaction.

he raised his head to see dan's smile still fixed in place, however this time the rosy tint in his cheeks had intensified.

he was equally as confused, as he wasn't. he felt as right as he did wrong. and as he did, he just captured in the corner of his eye the flicker of his parent's bedroom light switching on in the distance. philip promptly slipped his hand away from dan's grasp.

his smile sunk.

"well... s-see you..." he clumsily clambered out of the car. trying desperately to overlook the disheartened gaze directed at him; he felt entirely awful with every ounce of himself.

but what else could he have done?

"yeah...see you." dan rashly pulled the door shut before philip even moved his hand towards it, almost catching him in the rather violent slam before reversing into the dark. he was clearly hurt. and so was philip.

as he strolled sheepishly along the cracked concrete, he kept his head hung low. how could he have just left like that? he wished he could have explained everything to dan that was creeping out from the corners of his mind, yet he couldn't put them together himself. ever since the beginning of the almost-two weeks that he had known dan, nothing had ever made sense.

he wearily heaved himself up to his front porch. yet, as his hand fumbled in his pocket in search for his stray key, he noticed something odd. the door was already open.

he blinked. his mother, with her aging hair dragged up into perfectly-formed rollers, and his father, in grey pyjamas synchronised with the grey of the hallway, were both stood before him with crossed arms and stern expressions.

"come in philip. we want to speak with you." his father croaked, leading philip into the kitchen with an agressive point in its direction, his wrinkled hand not daring to shake. his mother was yet to speak, but the glaze of anger in her eyes spoke for itself. he followed without hesitation, his eyes fixed to his feet, as they seemingly always were.

"we know you haven't been at church,". his mother snapped vindictively, almost spitting with fury, "i was on the phone with the vicar and he claims to not have seen you today. is that so?"

philip stayed silent, as the eerie ringing of the neglected kitchen light ensured that even then there was still noise.

"answer your mother! is that so?" his father's voice was getting louder with each vicious word that escaped his mouth, his fist clenching tighter and tighter with each second that passed.

he had to think of some sort of excuse. anything at all.

"i...i fell asleep in the library. h-honestly, i was studying for church but i fell asleep..." he stuttered and stammered, fully aware that they were not going to accept this.

"so you have staying awake at night, is that right?" his mother shrilled, her teeth clenched.

"what on earth were you thinking? you know how important this is! you must be deluded if you think you'll ever become a preacher if you don't..."

and that was when everything transformed into a blur, the arguing became almost unintelligible, and philip had settled for the endless shrieking again. after being sentanced to three weeks of staying in the house, he clambered up to his bedroom and fell onto the bed without a second-thought.

with one, quick inward breath, he could feel his eyes beginning to sting. the bitter breeze slipping in through the open window hit his damp face with a force, only intensifying the tears that were already crawling down his cheeks - which by now were uncontrollably blotched with all kinds of shades of magenta. each time he held his breath to stop himself, he sobbed harder and harder, his head buried deep into his pillow to muffle the sound he knew his parents would mock. he couldn't see a way out anymore. anytime that he thought he did, he was fooling himself.

this was it - his life would never change. and it was about time he accepted it.

how is this the longest chapter when literally nothing has happened who knows idek if it makes sense bye

song:
sophomore slump // fob