Life as I Know It

Chapter 11

Previously...

"You sure?" he mumbled in my hair. I nodded. "Ok. Just, I don't know, let me know if you need anything."

"Ok."

He hugged me one last time and left.

I ripped out the bun and braid in my hair, climbed into bed, and cried until I fell asleep with the TV blaring in the background.

~oOo~

Memories of Edward and my time together throughout the past three days flew in my head as dreams.

Our first date at the movies...

Me glancing at him in the theater...

Alice's texts in the bathroom...

Our dessert talk at Coldstone...

The walk home...

Him giving me his jacket to keep warm...

Me feeling his lips on my head to wake me up in his car...

Our first kiss...

Him coming over and fixing my hair...

Us watching Big Brother and eating ice cream...

Our heavy make out session, which I pushed away from...

Me feeling bad for kicking him out...

I woke up with a shaky gasp, spots of my pillowcase wet with my tears. I curled further into myself, tucking myself deeper under the covers. I looked up and sighed in relief a bit that my TV automatically shut off after a few hours. But that relief fell flat when I spotted the two, dirty ice cream bowls on my bedside table. I felt more tears pool into my eyes and my stomach churn as I turned over away from them.

I didn't know how to feel. On one hand, I felt like crap having to kick out the only guy I'd ever really cared about. I felt like he didn't deserve to be treated that way. On the other hand, he'd assumed that it was a second date, when actually, it wasn't. He didn't have to come over, but he'd chosen to help me out. That proved he still liked me, right?

My head was spinning as I replayed last night's events in my head. Maybe I should have told him from the beginning that it wasn't a date? Or maybe I was telling myself that so I wouldn't get my hopes up? Had he moved on to someone else? No, he'd said to let him know if I needed anything, so that left it open to me.

Fatigue, hope and fear took over my mind, and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know who to ask for advice. Or maybe advice was making this thing take too long. Maybe I should have sucked it up and tried again? But if I had let us take it that far without being completely sure, would I have regretted it? Probably; not so much regret doing it with him, just not doing it at the right time. And that was why I had to stop. Not because I didn't want to at all, just not at that moment. But did that also make me a tease? I did invite him over, with no one else around in the house. At close to 1 AM. So maybe I did set him up just to send him home?

Now my head hurt. I needed something, anything to help me out. I dug myself deeper into the covers, trying to take away the pain and confusion in my psyche. The door opening brought me out of my thoughts and I looked up, quickly wiping away my tears.

"Bella? You okay? What happened?" My mom frowned, her curly hair and sparkly dark makeup poking into my room.

"I'm fine. Just tired from last night," I croaked and sniffled, my stomach churning at my words of last night.