Life as I Know It

Chapter 20

Previously...

I groaned and laughed. "Ok, yeah he's had girlfriends before, but I don't know... If he's never felt that way before, how's he going to know with me?"

"He'll know. When he knows, he'll show it to you, or tell you when he's ready. But don't push him to tell you. Those three words are... they can either make or break a relationship, and you guys are just starting out. Give it some time. But for now, I would just leave it alone. I would talk to him about it, but don't dwell on it or push him to do it. 'Cause then you'll resent him for it and you'll break up anyway."

I lay silent, her words mulling over in my head. "Thanks, Mom."

She tucked my hair behind my ears, leaning over to kiss my forehead. I playfully rubbed off her kiss with my hand, feeling a bit better.

I still felt badly over everything with Edward, but I wanted to fix this with him before it got worse.

~oOo~

3 Days later...

I hadn't checked my phone for any more texts or messages. As usual, I was on my laptop doing homework and listening to Youtube videos at the same time, working on an essay for school. I didn't pay attention when my LED lights flashed under my phone.

Hey, Bella – E

I froze mid-sentence and picked up my phone, my hands shaking. He texted again before I could even think about writing back.

Are you ok?

Are you mad at me?

Did I do something wrong?

I still didn't know what to say to him. I still didn't know how deeply he felt for me. That's why I needed my space to not talk to him for a while. I should at least have told him that, but I was scared that he'd think that I'd wanted to break up. But I didn't want that; I just wanted to know how he felt about us.

I knew I couldn't put this off any longer, so I just typed out the first thing that came to mind.

Yeah I'm fine. Just needed to think. – B

Think about what? What happened? – E

What you said last week. About the "I love you" thing. It kinda upset me the way you said it. – B

Why? What'd I say? That I didn't know? – E

Yeah like it felt like you didn't know how to feel about us. Like, what do you think of me – B

I told you already. I like you. I like hanging out with you and stuff. I've never felt about anyone the way I feel about you – E

But you've never told your other girlfriends you loved them? – B

Shit. I shouldn't have said that. Too late! My phone switched screens and his face popped up as he called me. Shit!!!! I smacked my forehead hard and answered on the last ring.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!" Edward yelled in my ear, forcing me to pull the phone off my ear before I lost my hearing.

"I don't know, Edward! You tell me! I tell you I love you and you just say I don't know. How the fuck do you think that's going to make me feel? Like I haven't had feelings for you since I was 17!! For 5 long years, I watched you be with these other girls and I didn't want to seem jealous or whatever, but I was, and I hated it. I hated not being the one for you like that. And now that we've gone on, what, two dates, I accidentally let it slip that I love you and what do you say? What do you say?! You say I don't know! Who does that? And you prodded it out of me when you said you'd break up with me if I said anymore about my mom and Phil. So it's your fault that I'm in this mess. But then again, I'm no better, I can't even have sex without freaking out and pushing you out of my house. And I really want this to work, but maybe we stepped into this too quickly, you know?" I was sobbing now, my nose feeling congested and my chest feeling like it filled up with water. My head spun, and I turned my laptop in sleep mode, the light burning my watery eyes.

Edward was really quiet on the phone for a while, and I thought he'd hung up. I checked my screen and I saw that the call was still on.

"Edward?" I sniffled and wiped my eyes.

"Yeah?" he asked carefully.

"What are you thinking right now?"

He sighed deeply, and I could imagine him running his hand through his hair. "I'm thinking that... I miss you. I... I had a feeling that I'd said something stupid earlier, but I didn't know how to talk to you about it. I don't know anything about how love should be like, at all. I... the last person who came close to it was my last girlfriend, Tanya. But she cheated, Bella. She cheated on me, and I became closed-off for about a year. Until you. Until we started hanging out and I got closer to you." He sighed, and I slowly sat on the bed in silence. "I don't know, maybe we did jump into this too quickly. Look, I really like you, and I just want to figure this out. I don't wanna let this go yet."

I picked the hem on my shirt as he finished, my mind turning over and over.

"Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I see you?"

"My window is open." I glanced to my open blinds on my window.

"I mean really see you. I want to fix this with you."

I sighed. "Maybe. I do miss you, too."

"Yeah... so, whenever you're ready."

I nodded, even though he couldn't see me. "Okay. I'll let you know."

"Okay."

I hung up on him and lay on my bed for a while.