Life as I Know It

Chapter 19

A/N: Thanks so much for all of your comments on the last chapter. Some thought Edward was being serious, others thought he was joking, and some just thought he was being a guy! lol It's interesting hearing some of your thoughts. I finally reached over 100 reviews! :D Thanks again for all the love and support!

Previously...

So are we okay? – E

I guess. Yeah sure. I'll see you later. – B

Tomorrow? – E

Yup. – B

Ok. Night. – E

Nite. – B

I locked my phone and threw it across the edge of the bed. Tears pricked my eyes, but I didn't feel like crying tonight, especially since Phil was still here. I put my tray on my bedside table and sunk low into the covers, trying to keep my emotions under control.

~oOo~

I tossed and turned all night, not being able to sleep after reading Edward's texts.

The scent of my dinner plate clouded the side of my room, but I didn't have the energy to put it back in the dark kitchen.

I looked to my clock on the bedside table. 1:16 AM.

My head thumped back on the pillow, and I looked back to my phone. My fingers hesitated before I pressed the home button. No messages received.

I quickly flipped the screen down and threw the covers over my head. I felt the side of my head pound, the start of a migraine growing.

Thoughts of our last conversation blurred in my head, and I imagined Edward actually saying them, which made those texts even worse for me.

I mean I really like you. I've liked you forever, since high school. I've loved you as a friend forever, and I guess that blossomed into real love. Is that weird? That I loved you even when you didn't know it? – B

You mean that unrequited love thing? – E

Yeah. – B

It's not really unrequited if I like you too. – E

Just like? – B

I'd rather tell you to your face than thru text. – E

But do you? – B

I don't know, Bella. I don't have much experience. – E

Oh ok. – B

And I just said ok! Like it wasn't hurting my feelings right now. Why did I say that? Why didn't I just tell him how I'd felt? Why was I so scared? Then again, why was he so scared? Or maybe he wasn't scared and just wasn't where I was, emotionally? Or maybe he just said he didn't know to save himself from another argument?

It was ironic that we'd only gone on two dates and we've had more arguments over sex and love. I wasn't ready for sex the same way he wasn't ready for love. We were a real piece of work, the both of us.

My thoughts halted when I heard thumps coming from the other side of my wall. Soft groans echoed, and I raced to get my noise-cancelling earbuds. Mom and Phil had the nerve to do that now, while I was upset?! Really?! And at close to 2 AM?! Disgusting. At least it's better than hearing Mom's past boyfriends demand for more...

I shook my head to clear those ugly times and turned Paramore Radio on high to drown out the noise in the next room. Insomnia and "Ignorance" hit me like a freight train, but it somehow calmed me down enough to let me sleep.

~oOo~

I felt the sun's rays before I opened my eyes. I blinked them open and shielded them from the shine.

Heavy thumps walked past my room, and I sat up as I heard the front door open and close. I rolled my eyes and sunk back into the covers. I checked my phone again, which was paused on My Chemical Romance. No messages received.

There was a knock on my door, and Mom's head peeked in. "Hey, honey." She had the nerve to look sheepish. "Hope we didn't keep you..."

I took out my earbuds and sat up, swatting away a piece of hair in my face. "Awake? Oh no. It's not like I needed sleep or anything."

She came all the way in and sat in my bed. "I never know what to say when that happens."

"Now you know why I'll never do it here. Or at all." I wrapped my arms around my legs, resting my face on my knees.

"What do you mean?" Her fingers raked through my messy curls. "Did something happen with Edward again?"

"ItoldhimIlovedhimandhesaidIdontknow," I mumbled miserably.

"What? Speak up, child!" She gently raised my head and sat closer to me.

I sighed deeply and wiped my tears away. "I told him I love him and he said 'I don't know'."

Her eyebrows rose to the top of her hair. "Really?"

"Yeah... and now I don't know what to do. I feel angry, sad, relieved, all of the emotions. And I hate myself!" I whined, putting my head back on my knees.

"Ok, hey, none of that. Hey, listen!" Her tone turned serious as she raised my head again. "Don't hate yourself for how you feel. If you really meant what you said, and he doesn't feel the same way, either a) fuck him. Not literally, but just you know... fuck him! Or b) just take his not knowing as something to go on. Maybe he just doesn't feel the same way yet. Didn't he have two girlfriends before you?"

I nodded.

"And he's never told them that he loves them?"

I shook my head slowly.

"So he must not know how to feel, at all. If he's never felt like you've felt, since what, high school?"

I rolled my eyes and nodded, hiding my smile.

She shoved me a bit. "Speak, child! I can't know anything if you don't speak." She laughed.

I groaned and laughed. "Ok, yeah he's had girlfriends before, but I don't know... If he's never felt that way before, how's he going to know with me?"

"He'll know. When he knows, he'll show it to you, or tell you when he's ready. But don't push him to tell you. Those three words are... they can either make or break a relationship, and you guys are just starting out. Give it some time. But for now, I would just leave it alone. I would talk to him about it, but don't dwell on it or push him to do it. 'Cause then you'll resent him for it and you'll break up anyway."

I lay silent, her words mulling over in my head. "Thanks, Mom."

She tucked my hair behind my ears, leaning over to kiss my forehead. I playfully rubbed off her kiss with my hand, feeling a bit better.

I still felt badly over everything with Edward, but I wanted to fix this with him before it got worse.

A/N: Thoughts? Reviews are welcome.

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