The Steps To Your Heart

Pre-Steps Part 1: Lost

--- Nique---

My life is a mess. From the moment I was born, everything always seemed to go the other way around when I'm involved. Like the epitome of pure misfortune, once it started going to that state, I couldn't even do anything to turn it around. That's it's inevitable from the very beginning.

The feeling is just like being washed away in the deepest parts of the ocean. That however hard you try to struggle to go to the surface, you can't. And however hard you try to call for help, crying out is even more so impossible.

For the past eighteen years, I've been struggling, hoping that one day, in that bottomless ocean, I might be able to glimpse at any indication of the sunlight streaming in – a sign. But the harder I seem to try, the faster I seem to go even deeper.

Such turn of events started when my mom was still on her way to labour. Back then, the doctors had said that the twins in her womb were having problems. That one of the twins is stronger than the other and so he is taking everything in. That leaves the other in a more weakened state. Though there wasn't any sign of complications since the other child is coping up, the doctor wasn't sure if the other child can manage until mom's labour.

Because of that, my parents did everything they could to provide for the twins. Mom carefully chose the food she eats while dad made sure mom wasn't in any stress.

But a month earlier than the supposedly date of labour, mom became involved in an accident. She was fine. Unfortunately, one of the twins wasn't.

It took days for my mom to accept the loss of one of her twins that the doctors had to give her IV drops for the remaining weeks until the labour of the other child.

When I heard of these twelve years later in my mom's hospital bed, I didn't know how I should feel. Should I be grateful that I was the one who lived? Or be guilty that my other twin who was the healthier and stronger twin should be the one standing here now, alive?

I didn't even begin to settle my feelings on the information she just told me when one of her monitors started beeping. Rattled, I tried calling the nurses. But instead, mom clutched to me, trying with all her might – as weak as she already was, to stop me.

"Nique, my dear Nique. Please, listen to my last request," she managed to whisper in her weakened state.

"Never lose hope. In whatever trouble you may face in the future, always have hope. Because even in the most dire situations and despair, hope will always be there to push you forward."

The moment she said those exact same words, her heart stopped. And if I have to admit, so did mine.

Over the next couple of days, I didn't exactly know what was happening. People kept telling me what to do, where to do it, and how to do it. My head just went into a complete frozen state, that all I did was nod and obey.

I couldn't think. I didn't think. And I never wanted try to think what will happen after that.

"Nique, your mom is not gone. Your mom will always be "here"," my Aunt hadsaid this sentence over and over again during her funeral to comfort me. But I knew. Mom wasn't and that from then on she never will.

Two years before everything went wrong; mom was diagnosed with a heart condition. From then on, she'd stay in the hospital for months. During days that she did get home, she'd always be in bed, doing as little work as possible. Due to the illness, mom had to quit her job as the accountant of the nearby cooperative where she worked. Dad had to work double time to be able to provide for us while paying off the hospital bills.

There are even days he'd not come home, spending all his time at his work and would pile up continuous assignments outside of our hometown. But he always made sure to come home when we needed him most. It helped me a lot during times when handling the whole household chores by myself while taking care of mom and my six year old brother was already too much to bear all alone.

But after two years, mom fell from the stairs from the second floor when she suddenly collapsed while she was on her way to the bathroom. I was at school by that time and my younger brother who was on the "watch" was left sleeping on our parents' room.

It was already after four hours when they found her unconscious as she lay on a pool of blood by her head. When I heard what had happened, everything almost turned upside down that I didn't know what to do. But by the time I reached the hospital, I saw my mom smiling at my swollen face, grinning at how I must have looked at that time.

"I'm fine. See? Everything's fine," she repeated over and over again as she held me crying my eyes out.

When I heard the news, it scared me half to death. It felt like my heart was being ripped apart, piece by piece and as slow as possible, making sure that that feeling will remain even to the depths of my soul. But when I saw my mom's smiling face, my heart was ripped apart for a whole other reason. Tears just started falling down my face.

The doctor said she had an attack. But because she didn't immediately receive the proper care and medication, her heart stopped – which led to her collapsing.

After that, I always stayed by my mom's side. My brother also seemed to take what happened at heart since she followed mom everywhere around the hospital. I even saw him go with her inside the bathroom when she said she was about to "go". I knew that my brother was just being a "kid", but I also understood what he must be feeling to act the way he is acting. And it never dawned on me to call it childish. I mean, I also go straight to the hospital after school to check up on them before going home.

For the next couple of days, mom seemed to get even worse. She got paler and paler and she even ate less. As a kid, I never really understood my mom's illness. Just that she had a weak heart and had to avoid heavy chores that might stress her. So when the doctor came in one day and said there's still some hope, I didn't understand. With the way mom looked, I always thought things would always go worse.

"Didn't I tell you? Everything's fine. You don't have to look so worried. The doctor even said so, didn't he?" mom comforted me when she noticed my uneasiness andmy worries.

When the doctor came in, the hope he mentioned was a new "drug", saying that once it will kick in, mom's body may respond to it and that it may turn things around. Dad immediately agreed to it. And true enough, we noticed the improvement in mom's condition.

"See?" mom would mockwhile smirking at me, ever since she started looking better and better. Feeling relieved, I'd just grin at her childishness and shake my head.

But after a month of that treatment, what we thought was inevitable happened. And the thought of not seeing that smile of hers ever again gnawed something in me.

And once it did, everything just went dark.

I couldn't see anything else.

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