Sinful

Chapter 9

I feel as though I am melting. I am not hot nor cold, I am unhappy and filled with depression and anger. I don't know what next emotion I'll be bubbled up with, but it's sure as hell not going to be joy. Tears are my best friend, they greet me almost every hour filling my eyes with regret as though this was entirely my fault. The blade of a knife meets my arm every few days reassuring me of high school and how in love I was/am with Lana. Silly mind of mine thought this would be a happy ending, it never ends with a smile as long as I'm involved.

Here's the day before I leave. I am sprawled across the living room floor just staring at the ceiling, helplessly waiting for something...anything. Instead, nasty thoughts creep in my mind, thoughts that are ever so wicked such as how Lana may see me as a monstrous human being. My back aches because of the hardwood floor, I consider sitting but I just lay on the floor. Anyone who walks in may scream and call 911, meanwhile it's not any medical condition I'm in.

I have no motivation to stand or sit, then the golden light comes. My motivation. I was waiting this whole time for some sort of sign, something and now here it is. At first, I thought it was my imagination, now I push my head off the floor and scrabble toward what can be my only chance of hope. I pick up the phone and after a click of a button I am refreshed by Lana's cool voice singing on the other end of the phone. Yes, singing. "Hello, hello. Ca-can you hear me? I can be your china doll if you wanna see me fall. Girl your so dope, your love is deadly. Tell me that life is beautiful they think that I have it all. I have nothing without you, all my dreams and all the lights mean nothing without you..."

I wait until she finishes the song and she speaks again, her voice is like heaven to my ears, "Marina, I overreacted. I know you're...um, leaving tomorrow and I'd like to see you." My reaction feels abnormal, my cold feet planted to the warm ground don't move, my lips don't either. "Marina, are you there honey?" she asks. I don't know why I am feeling a burst of happiness in my stomach because she called me 'honey.' I guess I am just desperate for love like I've always been.

I look for words to say. I'm losing my mind while Lana is losing her patience. "Y-yes," I say. I am most certain she can hear my smile because I can hear hers. Even though I can't see her, I know that she looks perfect right now. "I want to spend my last hours with you, every second of them. Lana, I-I love you." I sit on the hardwood floor and my butt begins to ache, none of that matters as long as I am talking to Lana.

It's Lana's turn to tremble for her words but she spits them out fast but wholeheartedly. "Marina I love you too, I love you so much. Please please come here, I kind of don't want paparazzi taking pictures of my face right now...like this," she says. I hear the smile on her face stay still.

I am happy that she is happy, but wait. What did she say about the paparazzi seeing her 'like this'? "What do you mean 'like this' is anything wrong?" I ask with concern. My smile faded and I heard hers follow along with my mouth in a straight line. "Whats wrong with your face? I'm coming over there right now."

I am about to hang up the phone and drive to her house when I hear her soft and cute voice stone along the way of taking the phone from my ear. "Okay, hun. You'll see what's wrong," she says. I hang up and run towards the door where the mirror stops me. I look like a mess, terrible! The trace of my new scars patted my skin in places Lana will notice and bags have formed dark circles under my eyes. It almost holds me back, but Lana invited me over and I've been waiting for this invitation for days now. I grab my purse and drive to her house.

My fist pounds the door and Lana immediately opens it pulling me into a hug. My weak heart bails on me and I cry my eyes out while holding her close to me. I've missed her hugs, her hair, even her scent. I don't think about tomorrow, it will only make this moment sad. I am crying tears of happiness and this hasn't happened since... ever. She has a scent you want to smell forever and a body you wish you didn't have to let go. I try speaking to her but we are both crying too hard to even speak.

This continues for a minute or two until my tears and sniffles have died off. "Lana, I don't want to let go," I say holding her body against mine. The sniffles interfere with my sentence but I know Lana understands.

"Then don't."