Everyone Died+My iPhone Stopped Working: An Oral History of The Robot Apocalypse

The Consumerist Horde

Sal, Age unknown

Black Marketeer

As Lucas reported previously, toilet paper has become extremely valuable. Predictably, the government has rationed it and, just as predictably, this gave birth to the illicit toilet paper trade, with all the corruption and violence you would expect. We were hoping to talk to Sal, aka "The Two-Ply Al Capone" and eventually we found him. Or, more accurately, he found us.

Sorry about the blindfolds. In my line of work, you can't be too careful. You can take them off now.

Now, take a good look at me. Look at what they call a "vicious criminal." Tell me straight up, do I look like a vicious criminal to you?

[Sal had tattoos, scars, gold teeth grills, massive muscles, a wife-beater and a hat with the words "Fuck da Police" on it.]

Umm... [he pulled a .45 semi-auto out of his waist band, turned it sideways and pointed it at my head] ...no.

Straight up! You know what the only difference is between me and you?

Our views on decorative dentistry?

I know how to make toilet paper and you don't. Before it all went down, that wouldn't have meant shit. But now it makes me one powerful motherfucker. For five rolls, I could have your legs broken. For six rolls, I could have you wasted.

Wait... the price difference between leg-breaking and killing is one roll?

I know. The cost curve on this is seriously fucked up. The point is all this power makes me a threat to our so-called "government." Which, by the way, is the biggest criminal conspiracy that ever was!

How do you figure?

They're rationing toilet paper. Who gave them that authority? Did you vote on it? I didn't. Did Congress pass a bill? The Affordable Patriot Shit-Ticket and Freedom Fries Act of 2017 or whatever-the-fuck?

[Note: That would have been an awesome name for a bill.]

Not that I know of.

Straight up! So how the fuck do they get to say that you only get five squares a day? You think they only get five squares a day?

Probably not.

Definitely not. And let me ask you this: is five squares enough?

Not really. I have to supplement with corn cobs or pine cones. I used an Amazon Kindle one time. It wasn't very efficient, but tremendously gratifying.

Yeah, OK. So let's say one day you're tired of your pine cones and your Kindles - you feel me? - and you just want to treat yourself to something nice. You're out of luck, right? But then I come along and say, "Sure, Mr. Rubicon, you can have as many squares as you want! You can have a whole roll all to yourself! All you have to do is pay me!"

Sounds like a pretty good arrangement, right? A win/win?

Sure.

And if you don't like the price, you're free to walk away. I don't hold a gun to anyone's head.

You held a gun to my head five minutes ago!

Yeah, but that was a real gun. I'm talking about a metaphorical gun.

Oh.

But see, my business threatens the government's toilet paper monopoly. And they can't have that! Is that fair?

I guess their argument is that you're engaging in illegal trade on the black market.

First of all, the term black market is racist.

But you're not black.

Exactly.

OK. Sorry. What I'm saying is that they're accusing you of price gouging.

I charge what the market will bear. 'Cause this is still America. We believe in capitalism. We were attacked by fuckin' robots; we didn't make Bernie Sanders president.

I start a business. I provide a product that people want. Should that make me a motherfuckin' criminal?

That? I guess not. On the other hand, you murdered your competitors. Allegedly.

I was creating what economists call "Artificial Scarcity." Businesses do it all the time. It's the way DeBeers was able to jack up the prices of diamonds by creating a near-monopoly on production and distribution.

Wow. Where did you learn about that?

Let's just say there was a point in my life where I had a lot of' time to sit and read.

Prison?

UC Riverside. I was an economics major. Although I did go to the joint.

For what?

Shanking another economics major.

Huh. Anyway... What do you say to people who claim that it's unfair to be charging such high prices for toilet paper?

I say, "Quit your whining, bitches!" We're talking about a luxury. Not everybody gets a Ferrari. Not everybody gets a fucking trophy just for showing up.

You don't feel at all bad about what you're doing?

Why would I? As long as there's demand, there will be someone to fill it. If it's not me, it'll be somebody else. You want to blame someone, blame the consumerist horde. Those selfish motherfuckers are the ones who keep me in business.

So that's it? It's all about profit?

What's wrong with that?

It just doesn't seem right. I mean, there has to be something more important than profit.

Tell you what. I'll give you ten rolls for that skinny dork in the cage.

This is exactly what I'm talking about! Lucas is a person! He's not just another commodity!

Twenty.

Sold!