Trust Me [Book 2]

Chapter 16: No Pressure

Chapter 16 - [October 24th]

He didn't say anything.

I waited for the obvious questions like where and when but they never came.

Maybe this was a mistake.

I rested my head back on his chest, squeezing my eyes shut. Okay, this was a bad idea. I forced my mind to stop spinning so I could sleep the night away.

Of course that didn't happen. I couldn't make sense of his silence. If someone told me that they went to rehab I would at least ask why.

"Say something," I quietly pleaded. "Please" don't make me regret telling you.

His hands moved to my waist, giving my sides a gentle squeeze. "I don't want to say the wrong thing but I'll listen."

"Two years ago, before Rocky's second birthday. Joe paid for treatment at a residential rehabilitation center in New York." He tensed when I said Joe's name. "I really made a lot of bad choices while drinking. It's hard to pinpoint the exact moment or incident..."

I took in a breath when that familiar anxious pressure built. "We can talk later," Rick suggested. "You need some rest."

"No. I want to tell you this," I sat up, straddling him. He found my hands and locked them with his. My thoughts recklessly scattered, trying to figure out where to start. "Drinking was the easiest way to avoid fear."

"Fear? Of what-"

"Disappointment. Rejection. Loneliness. Sometimes all three at the same time. I used to feel powerless in life...before I knew I could change my path. Or decide my future." I cleared my throat when it tightened again. I could do this. "I used alcohol to drown all thoughts telling me that my marriage and family were falling apart. Then when Rocky was born, wine eased the guilt of being a bad mom."

I hadn't been this candid since sitting in a rattan chair in the middle of nowhere with a psychologist. That conversation was hard. This conversation was harder. Rick didn't pressure me to continue. He pressed a kiss to my taut knuckles as I squeezed his hands for dear life. "I bottled and internalized anything that hurt me instead of processing it. When I drank I could put the world on pause for at least a night. But life got worse and worse and worse every time I woke up. Eventually it all blurred together into a big painful continuous blackout."

I pulled my shaky hands out of Rick's hold to cover my face. He could have been right, that I needed to rest. Recounting my missteps proved more painful than I intended. I wanted to push through. I wanted to share my truth.
I felt him shifting around in the small space on my bed before his arms were around me. "Sorry if I'm all over the place. This is so difficult. I never talk about rehab." I snuggled deeper into him, speaking through my hands. "I got so bad that Auntie Sonya suspended me without pay. Joe said I went off cussing and screaming at her so he took me home...well to his house. Rick I can't lie to you. I don't know what happened there or with him, I just know I woke up in his bed vomiting. Maxine, his ex-ish wife, was there telling him that I needed help."

He squeezed me tighter and I heard his heart beat speed up. "Do...do you think you had sex with him?"

"Joe's not that type of person but I was too gone to know anything for sure. Prior to that day, we were talking again." Talking as in acting like a couple even though, he had Maxine. She was aware I was on the side. We didn't mind each other because the gifts and pampering never stopped. As long as we cooperated.

I was obsessed with the attention from being one of Joe's women. At the time, he understood my demons and I convinced myself I needed that when I didn't.