I'm not suicidal. (my story with cutting, depression, and other stuff)

Oct 8

I'm in study hall now. I've been checking the new cuts all day. I wore a longsleeved sweatshirt and jeans. do I look like a person that would cut? I always wonder. anyway, the scissor cuts from last night actually turned out pretty well. they're not straight across slits like I wanted but I would need to find a good knife to do that. it kind of looks like a bruise but it's not. it's reddish pinkish. and in the middle you can see little scabs. my first paper cuts from yesterday morning are going away. they're lower in my arm so I can wear three quarters length sleeves. I need more sweaters. it's starting to get colder now and I only have one good sweatshirt. and if this keeps going on I'm gonna need more longsleeved anyway.

my scab from the paper cuts is going away. I don't want it to. what if I pick the scab? would it stay longer? I need to make more cuts. I told myself this morning I wouldn't do it anymore. but I long for marks on my arm. I long for the sight of blood. what would happen if a vampire got depressed? I watched an episode of the vampire diaries yesterday. the first one. I need a new show to get obsessed with and spend all my time watching when I'm not playing guitar. the only thing I'm scared of is when I'm playing guitar. my sleeve usually goes up so what if someone sees my cuts While I'm playing? what if my parents see. they're gonna make a huge deal and think I'm suicidal. I'm not suicidal. I have a good friend group and they care about me. I even told one of them about my problems and they said I can vent to them. I'm glad. I need to vent to someone. but I can't tell anyone everything yet. because they will make me stop. and I don't want to stop. I just got started. I haven't told anyone about my cuts yet. I told some of my friendship I was thinking about cutting a couple of days ago but said I wouldn't. I didn't promise though. I don't break promises. usually. they told me not to do it. I don't know why. what's so bad about cutting? if you don't go too deep. I'm not even cutting that much. just a little. I'm not even going that deep.

I need to find a good knife to start doing it with though. I read somewhere you can take the blade out of a pencil sharpener. I did. it didn't work. but I wasn't pressing down that hard. and then I threw it out. I shouldn't of threw it out. now I want it back. maybe it'll be less work than using paper and scissors.

my parents are home too much. there's never a good time to do it. I usually end up doing it in the shower. and I can't just bring a knife up into the shower . the only reason there was scissors yesterday is because they're putting together a new sink so they needed scissors to get the package unwrapped. but they were just sitting there on the counter waiting. it's like it was destiny or something. not that I believe it that. all my relationships have failed. Ive dated three guys and one girl. the first guy was in elementary school so that doesn't really count anyway. the next guy was short. and the last one was really caring but I think that's when I realized I didn't want to be with a guy at that time. maybe I'm a lesbian. maybe I'm bisexual? but when I'm dating guys it's just seems like there's something missing that I can't put my finger on. dating a girl was amazing. we broke up a few days ago. we're still friends though.

I have a guitar lesson soon. I'm nervous. what if he notices the cuts. what if he asks? I really want to talk to someone about it but I don't want to seem desperate and go up and tell them hey I'm cutting make me feel better. I want someone to accidentally find out. but not my mom or dad. or guitar teacher . okay there's another guy, I know , it's stupid. I don't even know if I like him. but I want him to like accidentally find out and ask me about it. I don't know how though. we don't really hangout alone. we hangout with other friends. he's like in our friend group I guess. I want him to make me feel better . but I know he probably won't notice unless I tell him.

I wrote a lot today. that's cool. I've never written this much. I think that's all I have for now because my hand it's getting very tired. okay. I'll update later. goodbye

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