I'm not suicidal. (my story with cutting, depression, and other stuff)

oct. 16

I'm in study hall again so that means I got 20 minutes to write again !

K so lots of shit happened. starting off with a dude who we will code name Brian. I told him I liked him, knowing he didn't like me back but I just wanted to get it off my chest. and there was like a 2% chance he liked me back so I was willing to take that chance. and he literally replied with k. what the hell man. and he said he's loyal to his friends. MKAY MKAY THEN. I didn't know what to do with myself. like, both my recent crushes have failed. I really wanna date someone. but I'm not dating eaither of my exes again . I think I cut because I don't know what else to do. I play guitar, watch Shane Dawson, read wattpad, watch Netflix. and then I get bored so I cut. at least that's what used to happen. two nights ago I took a shower and decided I wasn't gona cut. so I left the scissors in my room and took a shower. but when the song car radio came on, on my Spotify playlist, it made me think about all the bad things in my life, and it made me think about how it felt to cut before. and so I took my shaving razor and cut. it hurt more. I placed it on my arm and pressed down hard and then slit across. I didn't go far, so it was just four 1cm lines across my arm. I don't like the way it looks, but I like the way it felt. kind of. if hurt. but it felt good. I can't explain it. yesterday I showered again and I cut with the scissors. the first one bled more. but then the second one didn't bleed as much.

I read somewhere that if you want to stop cutting you should take a red washable marker and draw lines where you want to cut and then go to the shower and wash it off. I don't necessarily want to stop cutting, I just thought I'd try it to see what that's like. I used the mr. sketch markers because I thought they were washable. and GUESS WHAT they're not. so I spent the next 20 minutes trying to get the marker off.