I'm not suicidal. (my story with cutting, depression, and other stuff)

oct 20

yesterday I hadn't cut since October 16. that's because I hadn't showered since then. I always get the urge to cut in the shower. I don't know why. maybe it's because my hips are easily visible and my sharp scissors are always in the drawer next to the curtain. I thought about killing myself today. it scared me. I'm not going to, soon, at least. it takes preparation , and even if I were to, I wouldn't want it to hurt . I would just want it to be quick and then over. and we don't have guns. maybe I would take a bunch of pills and take a bath. but what pills? everything is so complicated and honestly I'm too tired to think of everything.

I think I should stop cutting. yesterday in the shower I cut my hips again. maybe 6 lines across, next to the ones from a couple weeks ago. I didn't want to cut my arms for a while because I have gym now and the uniform is short sleeved. I wore a jacket last time but I took it off because it got to hot. no one noticed, i think. but it was really stressful, trying to keep my left arm down all the time to hide them. I'm surprised and glad no one noticed. they'd look at me like I was an alien and send me to the counselor who knows nothing about life and talks two words per minute. we should have a counselor people actually want to talk to. like my seventh grade counselor from last year. she was so nice and caring and it made me want to open up to her. I talked to her a couple tomes when I had Random crying attacks . but she had a baby so now she's on maternity leave. not to mention I'm not in seventh grade anymore. besides if I talked to them I know they would tell my parents and I don't think I could stand the way they would look at me when they found out . that look of pity, concern, and disappointment. I hate it so much.

another problem with cutting my arms is I take dance. hip hop, jazz, and tap. it's really fun but you can't wear longlsevees to dance every week. I don't even have that many longlseeved shirts and my mom refuses to buy me more even though it's getting down to the 30s on a regular basis now. next week I'm bringing my friend to dance so she can see what it's like and stuff and she might join my classes as well. but I haven't told her about my cutting yet. and im scared. really scared. she's one of my closest friends and I can't life without her. so I really hope I can tell her sometime soon and she'll be okay with it. I dont know what she'll do though. maybe I'll tell her before dance and then I can wear short sleeves without her wondering. because I know she'll notice. others probably won't because we'll be dancing after all, and they'll be focused on the routines.

so I like writing fiction . but since this book is about me, I'm going to write a short chapter about what could happen in my life. like, a scenario that I'm afraid of. so itl tie into the book but also itl be fiction which I like writing as well as non fiction. so just to clarify, the next chapter isnt real, it's just my imagination. (: enjoy