I'm not suicidal. (my story with cutting, depression, and other stuff)

Oct 9

I did it again. I found some sharper scissors. hair scissors actually. they made me bleed a little and it felt good.

I don't know why I do it. it makes me feel better and worse at the same time. something in my mind just says to hurt myself. I'm still not cutting to deep though. I'm afraid of my parents finding out. just now I cut but I got frustrated so I started jabbing my wrist with the scissors so I have little bruises now on my left arm.

I wore short sleeves yesterday. they didn't look like cuts before. now they do. I need more sweaters. and long sleeves. I wanted to cut a letter of the alphabet. take my anger out on a person besides myself. I found my hip a good place because no one sees it but me. also cutting your hips hurt more. I carved the letter M. I'll tell the story later. I've also started taking picture of the cuts. I have a secret app where you can take and save pictures, use the web browser, and write notes. to enter you need a password though. I have lots of pictures there. two of my cuts but also screenshots of text messages that I wouldn't want my parents to see. I still haven't told anyone yet. I'm thinking about telling my best friend . I can't say his name. but he's a good friend. I might tell him. I don't know if I'm ready though.

I told him. I was so scared. he told me to stop or he would tell other people. I don't want to stop. it feels good. he can tell whoever he wants. just not my parents. I think I might write more about him so I'll say his name is Steve. it's not. he likes this girl. I might be jealous. I don't know.

but I have this other friend named... Chris? Chris. well go with that. I want to tell him because I tell him everything . but I don't know what he'll say. should I tell him? I should. I think. but his parents took his phone away. so I don't know if he'll even get it.

sorry this was such a bad chapter, I'll make a better one soon.