I'm not suicidal. (my story with cutting, depression, and other stuff)

Oct 13

I'm sick.

I got a cold. I'm scared. My mom said that sometimes people get sick because a virus travels into your body through an opening. so I thought what if I'm getting sick through my cuts??? I hate being sick. I'd rather my legs and arms all sting like hell then be sick. I thought maybe it's a coincidence , like I get little colds often, and I went to a haunted house outside earlier so maybe it was because of that. it was really cold outside after all. and one of my friends I went with also has a cold now, so it's probably because of that. but the problem is I had a small cold before that . and I think going just made it worse. I'm scared.

I'm always scared. I always look twice behind me when I'm alone. even when I'm with other people, I'm always scared. I don't know of what. a murderer, a ghost, a monster? I don't know. but I'm always afraid of something Bad happening. and I'm most afraid of the dark. like, really, really, afraid of the dark. when I was younger I was never really afraid of the dark. but now I am. I don't know why. my mom said that sometimes when we have fears that kind of just pop up, they're usually metaphors for a bigger fear we have. Iike I used too be afraid of Windows but now I'm fine. I think that's because I was afraid of people looking at me while I was undressing; seeing the real me. then I came out as bisexual to my friends and I was fine. so I thought. I'm afraid of the dark. maybe that means I'm afraid of the unknown. I've always wondered what lies ahead. what's in the future. and the truth is we never really know until we experience it. and most people know I've never been a patient person. I talked to one of my friend sbout it. she agreed with me and we actually have a lot in common.

last night I posted something saying the end was soon and I left the group chat me and my friends had. I don't know why, I wanted to see if they cared. it makes me sound like an awful person, doing it for attention. and I am an awful person because they freaked out and al of them texted me even my ex . It wasn't all made up though. I thought about ending it that night. I wanted to cut deeper. I wanted it to all go away.

each time I cut I go deeper. I remember the first time I cut i didn't bleed at all. then the next time there was little tiny droplets. then the next time there was bigger droplets. last night I cut my thigh again. it bled like crazy and I got really really scared. I think I won't cut for a few days. I got A little shaken up by it. cutting my thighs bleeds more and stings more. I think I might cut my thighs more because it bled really easily but I got really scared and stopped right away because I bled so easily. I don't know what It is about my thighs. I'll write more later because I have to write about my friend. but by for now. thanks for reading and voting xxx