A monster, of indescribable horror – ravaged by booze and lack of sleep – sat at his laptop. Charlie Deavon; an unholy disgrace, stained shirt, stained boxer shorts, wild hair, harassed unshaved face, a dying cigarette hanging from his mouth, and on his desk beside his laptop, the potion that keeps his appearance so ruggedly shambolic; a half dry bottle of scotch.
The room was dark and his tired nicotine-aged face was lit up from the light of the monitor. He took a final drag from his cigarette and dropped it in a half empty glass of whisky where it turned grey and died with its two dead cigarette companions.
The cursor blinked. Only six words were on the screen: Amelia Heart, is going to die.
More words try to find their way to Charlie's fingers but fail miraculously. Not because he has writer's block, he is just a lazy drunk with no appreciation for deadlines; a common ailment for many writers.
He turned his head and stared impassively at his bed in the other room. He looked back at the monitor for a moment, made a sound like 'mph' and then closed the lid. He managed to slump from his study to his bedroom and land on his bed with less effort than is possible to describe.
His bed was a stained mattress on a carpet-less floor. The wallpaper was old and nicotine stained. The ceiling lights didn't have light shades and the curtain was an old damp towel slowly getting heavier with mould.
The digital clock on the floor blinked slowly. He turned his head and looked at it, unsure if his eyes were tired, hung-over, still drunk or simply still closed. He could just about make out the time; 6:30am. He stared at the ceiling.
3 hours later the alarm went off. Not a nice tune or the radio, just a beeping drone. A few dramatic moments later and the towel landed heavily on the lawn outside followed by a shower of glass. Inside the towel the alarm clock beeped lamely on. A neighbour shouted the word 'cunt' in Charlie's direction. Charlie stood naked in the smashed window. He showed his neighbour his middle finger and then headed into the kitchen.
The kitchen occupies the same space as his lounge. The fridge consists of one rasher of bacon, three cans of beer, four empty cans of beer and a courgette. In the cupboard are one can of beans, a full packet of pasta, a packet of custard creams (half empty), some tea bags, a jar of coffee, and a pile of newspapers. In the toaster is a failed experiment; it turns out that it is not quicker to cook an omelette in a toaster. In-fact it takes longer and is far more dangerous.
After several minutes of staring at the courgette, and wondering where it came from, he slammed the fridge door and stared blankly over at the laptop for a minute. He opened the cupboard again, stared for a while, and then came to a decision and grabbed the closest things to his hand. Tea with a spoon of coffee and a packet of biscuits would be today's breakfast. He sat on his couch and wondered once again why he doesn't own a TV. He leaned back to reach for the half-full bottle of scotch on his desk, nearly knocking it over, and poured some into his coffee/tea. He made a sound 'urghmph' and had a sip of his brew.
A phone started ringing. A slight dread fell over Charlie's brain. This ringing sound meant he would have to impart some brain activity, some physical movement, and finally speech. Three things he had absolutely no interest in doing. He looked left and then right and then down. He dug it from under him and looked at it. He answered it and put it to his ear.
'Charlie?'
'Eurh.'
'Charlie! It's Simon, what are you doing today?'
'Mmpth.'
Charlie stared at his tea/coffee/scotch and wondered if he'd rather talk to that instead.
YOU ARE READING
Tripping the Night Fantastic
HumorThe problem with the main character of any book realising that he may be just that; a fiction, is that it becomes rather hard to have him do as you wish, especially when he is also a writer and knows all your tricks. And that he's suspected of murde...
