My Poems

I hate you

I hate you.
I hate you more and more everyday.
You invade my thoughts every moment I'm awake and most of them while I'm asleep.
I walk by your window and I can't help but hope the light will be on and I'll hear you laugh or hear the sound of you hacking on your practice pad.
I can't help but think about you when I see a Ford Focus.
Especially a blue one.
I am on autopilot still with all the things I do.
I automatically look to see if your car is going to be in either of your spaces.
When I walk to my apartment I always look left before I turn right just to maybe catch a glimpse of you going in or coming out of your apartment.
I hope that when I see Ashley I'll see you there knowing that you'll probably never go there.
I wonder that if something happened to me if you would be there.
I wonder "what if" when I know that it is impossible.
I wonder if me telling you I still love you and honestly forgive you and can forgive you for anything and everything you've done because it's in the past and being with you alone would be the greatest fight of all if you would have me.
I thought I was done fighting with you and for you.
I fought you and doing that I pushed you away.
My pride got in the way of what I really wanted.
Even you knew I was lying.
But I think me telling you all the time eventually made you believe it and you gave up fighting.
You loved me enough.
Fighting with you was so frustrating and broke my heart everyday but now I miss them.
I miss having the fight about how much I love you.
I've made so many mistakes, and I don't think you would forgive me but I forgive you.
I honestly have forgiven you completely.
I just want our epic love back.
That is basically impossible cause you don't love me anymore and you would never forgive me.
But we never got our epic break up.
We just stopped existing and for some reason that gives me hope down the line.
Cutting you out of my life is hard but hopefully it'll help me move on.
I need that and I deserve that because having been hurt and hurting you...
I thought killed me but that feeling is nowhere near as bad as the feelings I have now.
The bad times with you were better than this shitty life without you.
I don't know why I hope because we fucked up so bad and it seemed like it was all the time.
I used to wonder what it would be like for us to give each other time to do whatever.
To grow and do get being young out of our system because I loved you more than anything and unfortunately I still do and it breaks my heart everyday.
You seem happy and I never say anything or allow anyone to say anything about you because I believe in you and I believe you are the man you want to be.
And you are for Lauren.
If she makes you happy and you see a future with her then I one hundred percent support you.
I told you that in the beginning.
I would never get in the way of your happiness on purpose.
You being who you always wanted to be and reaching your goals and being happy with an amazing woman is what I want for you.
I just hope she takes care of you and never takes you for granted and I hope the same on your end.
I think we were supposed to have an epic love.
It taught us how to love and how to handle situations and forgiveness.
Our whole relationship was a huge learning experience and the fact that we could part as friends and kinda just let things be makes me hurt but it makes me happy that there isn't any bad blood.
You always said it tells you a lot about a person after you break up.
We both sucked as people.
You lied to me and I chose to trust you and believe your lies.
That was because I understood and it drove me crazy but I think I even surprised myself when you and Lauren got together.
Yes I was jealous and heartbroken. I won't lie about that but I saw your happiness.
I stepped back and sometimes it didn't seem like it but I wanted to keep my best friend.
I understand things have to change but that was the hardest thing.
I lost my best friend.
I lost the guy who did anything and everything to talk to my sister.
The man who stood by me while I lost her and you did everything to help me.
Until you stopped.
You stopped being my best friend when I needed you most.
I didn't care who was sucking your dick.
I needed you and you always said you would be there.
You said I would never lose you and that you weren't going anywhere.
Even if we never made it.
You fought for me to stay your best friend and then you just dumped me without even telling me the truth.
I hate you for that.
I hate you for stealing my best friend away.
I hate you for having this hold on me.
You've always had it.
I hate you for making me feel like I've lost everything.
I've lost my sanity.
I can't even let someone love me because I'm too hung on you.
Why?!
I have no fucking idea.
I've never been so mad at someone.
I'm more mad at myself.
I was lying to myself.
And before that I had been lying to you.
I wanted you.
Anytime we talked about it I pushed you away and told you I wasn't ready and that I didn't want you.
You knew the truth but you let me push you away.
You knew if you had asked I would have given you all of me over again.
I hate you because you broke me and now I keep breaking myself.
I hate you for letting me go.
I hate you for letting me push you away.
I hate you for moving on.
And I hate you even more because you never told me.
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
I miss you.
I keep telling myself I miss the old you because I don't think I know who you are but I feel like that You are still there.
That's just hope.
I am that cheesy hopeless romantic who believes in serendipity.
I still believe in all of our conversations we used to have as best friends.
We always wanted to end up together.
We always talked about what would happen if we came to this.
So far nothing is true but I didn't really expect anything else.
So there is no holding you to that.
I was high on being in love with you.
I cannot do this anymore.
I've admitted it and now I'm trying to really process it and move on myself because I lost you a long time ago.
I don't know why I hold on.
You broke me.
And I hate you because I know that if you ever needed me for anything that I would without a second thought be there for you.
I know you wouldn't.
And I hate you for that.