Fake Harley

Chapter 2

"So Harley's gone for good, huh?" asked Two-Face, as he and Joker sat at the bar in the illegal backroom of the Iceberg Lounge.

"Seems so!" said Joker, happily. "It's been a week! That's the longest the little brat has ever lasted without me, so I'm gonna assume that she's finally left me alone forever! And about time too – it only took her eight years of crimping my style," he said, attempting a gang gesture.

"You're far too white to pull that off," said Two-Face.

"I know," sighed Joker. "I'll be honest, Harv, I ain't very street. Shame, really. But you can't have everything."

"Is Harley staying with Pammie?" asked Two-Face.

"Don't really know, don't really care, Harvey," said Joker. "She's not my problem anymore. She can be Pammie's problem, or some other guy's problem. I couldn't care less. Hey, Pengers, how about another scotch over here?" he shouted.

"The bartender is right in front of you, Joker," retorted the Penguin, glaring at him.

"Oh right, sorry, Lloyd, didn't see you there," said Joker, smiling at the bartender. "Another scotch on the rocks, my good man. And here's a handsome tip for you," he said, handing over a one dollar bill.

"Gee...thanks," muttered the bartender, handing him the glass.

Joker sipped it thoughtfully. "I only wish I had known it was the real end at the time, Harvey," he said. "I would have done some things differently."

"Like what?" asked Two-Face.

"Well, I always wanted to have a musical montage with a break up," sighed Joker.

Two-Face stared at him. "...what?"

"Y'know, break up and then have like a song playing in the background as you celebrate your newfound freedom," explained Joker. "Go crazy living the bachelor lifestyle and all with musical accompaniment. You know Michael Booby?"

"Is that a person?"

"A singer, yeah. Michael Booby. Canadian guy."

"...do you mean Michael Bublé?"

"Yeah, that's what I said. Michael Booby. Anyway, he does this song that would have been perfect, about a guy who breaks up with his girlfriend, and he's real happy about it, and he's singing about how it's a beautiful day and how he can't stop smiling, which I thought would really work for me. And there's a line where he says even if it's starts raining, he ain't gonna start complaining, and I thought maybe I could do a kinda 'Singing in the Rain' bit where I'm dancing on a lamp post while liquid Joker toxin falls from the sky and poisons the people below. But I called Booby, and he said he wouldn't give me permission to use it, so I killed him," he finished, draining his glass.

Two-Face looked at him. "You killed Michael Bublé?" he asked.

"Yeah. World ain't gonna miss him, are they? And he did have a stupid name," retorted Joker.

"I guess," agreed Two-Face, sipping his drink. He was silent. "So are you gonna get a new one?" he asked at last.

"A new Canadian singer? Nah, I think they're mostly overrated..."

"No, I mean a new...henchgirl. Girlfriend. Whatever the hell Harley was," replied Two-Face.

"Can't I enjoy my bachelorhood for a week without people nagging me to move on?" demanded Joker. "Honestly, Harvey, you're worse than a woman! Why don't I just hire you for my new henchgirl?"

"I don't think I could fit into the outfit," retorted Two-Face.

Joker ordered another drink. "I guess it wouldn't be a bad idea," he sighed. "I mean, the laundry does need to be done. And the dishes. In fact, the whole warehouse could use a good cleaning. And I could stop coming to this dump to eat every night. The food is just terrible. Y'know, normal people don't like raw fish, Pengers, you get that, right?" he snapped as Penguin came to join them.