Fake Harley

Chapter 7

"So where's the new henchgirl?" asked Two-Face, looking around Joker's hideout.

"Gone," retorted Joker, bringing out two beers and handing one to Two-Face.

"Gone?" repeated Two-Face. "What do you mean gone?"

"I mean I fired her," said Joker. "She wasn't at all like Harley. It wasn't really working out for me."

Two-Face stared at him. "If you just wanted Harley back, why did you go through all the trouble of hiring a new henchgirl?" he asked.

"Seemed like a good idea at the time," said Joker, shrugging. "Plus I thought a change might be nice. Variety is the spice of life, you know. But this dame just did everything wrong. By which I mean she did everything right. Great little fighter, great cook, incredibly talented, not suitable at all."

"Surely...that's what you want in a henchgirl," said Two-Face, slowly. "Someone fairly competent."

Joker laughed. "Oh, Harvey, you're so naïve! If I wanted competent, don't you think I would hire some new henchmen, for a start? Oh...sorry, Roc, didn't see you were there," said Joker, as Rocco looked up from his newspaper, hurt.

"Gee, boss, we try our best..." he began.

"I know you do, Roc," said Joker. "And don't worry, I ain't upset. I can't have competent people serving me."

"Why not?" asked Two-Face.

Joker sighed heavily. "Roc, you saw Fake Harley the other day. How long did it take her to take out the Bat?"

"About thirty seconds," replied Rocco.

"And she could have shot him too, huh?" asked Joker. "His life coulda been over in thirty seconds."

"Yeah, I guess," agreed Rocco.

"See, that's why I can't have competent people working for me," said Joker. "For any of my schemes to actually succeed, Bats would have to die. And I can't let Bats die. Bats has to stay alive, and keep winning. While I have to keep losing. Because the day I win, the game ends. And I don't want to stop playing the game, Harvey, it's too much fun! You get that, right?"

"Sure...I guess," said Two-Face, slowly.

"Plus it's always nice to get yourself outta a bad mood by blaming your failure on your inferiors, and slapping them around some," said Joker, happily. "I mean, that's why Harley's the perfect henchgirl for me. She's really stupid and inept. I can feel real superior to her, and better than her, because I am."

"Are you saying this dame showed you up?" asked Two-Face.

"I'm saying I don't like people who are good at everything," retorted Joker. "They're boring. And you can't have fun by berating them and hurting them and telling them how crap they are, because they ain't."

"Ok. Well, if you don't want her, can I have her?" asked Two-Face.

"Don't try to copy me with the whole henchgirl thing, Harvey," retorted Joker, taking a drink. "It's really unoriginal. Anyway, I don't know where she went. She was gone when I woke up this morning, after I fired her last night for trying to have sex with me."

Two-Face stared at him. "You fired her...for trying to have sex with you?"

"Yeah," said Joker, nodding.

Two-Face stood up. "Jesus Christ, J, you really are crazy, ain't ya?!" he demanded, storming off. "I'm gonna go find her! She's what I call great help!"

He slammed the door and Joker shrugged, finishing his beer. "We better go get Harley, Roc," he said, standing up. "I guess she's still at Arkham."

"Got a way to bust her out, boss?" asked Rocco.

"There are about a million of 'em in Arkham - take your pick," retorted Joker, heading for the door. He was about to open it when someone knocked on it. It was a guy holding an envelope.

"You the Joker?" he snapped.

"Uh...yeah," said Joker, slowly. "But I get how you might not know that, it's not like my face is all over TV and the papers..."

"Yeah, funny guy," interrupted the man. "Look, some crazy dame asked me to deliver this to you," he said, handing the envelope to him.

"What crazy dame?" asked Joker, opening it and scanning the message.

"Some weirdo in a skintight black and red costume," he retorted.

"Really? You don't know who that is either?" asked Joker, annoyed. "Does the name Harley Quinn ring any bells, sport?"

"Oh, I know who Harley Quinn is," snapped the man. "A lotta of the guys I work with have a crush on her, and there are pictures of her around the office. But that wasn't who this dame was. She was wearing her costume, but she filled it out a lot better than the real Harley, if you know what I mean."

"Oh yeah," chuckled Joker. "Thanks, sport. Here's your tip," he said, holding out his hand. The man took it and screamed as an electric shock shot through him. Joker smiled as the corpse hit the ground, but his smile fell as he turned to face Rocco.

"Change of plans, Roc," he muttered. "We gotta be somewhere else as soon as possible."

"Where?" asked Rocco, puzzled.

"The Aquacade," retorted Joker, handing him the letter and storming out.

"The...what?" stammered Rocco, reading the letter. It made no sense to him:

Puddin',

You wanted Harley, you got her. I'm gonna be the best Harley ever. And just like Harley, I'm gonna give a certain Bat Freak the Death of a Hundred Smiles, unless you arrive in time to push me outta a window. Either way, Harley's gonna win this time. Hurry, puddin'. Batsy's pretty sick of hanging around, and just dying to see you.

- Harley Quinn (the one and only)