Fake Harley

Chapter 9

"Fake Harley!" shouted Joker, slamming open the doors to the Aquacade to see Batman hanging upside down over a tank of piranhas, with Fake Harley standing by the lever to lower him in.

"What took you so long, puddin'?" she asked, grinning. "I was just about to let Batsy swim with the fishes. He was gonna become a water bat."

"That...doesn't even make any sense," said Joker, slowly.

"Doesn't it, puddin'?" asked Fake Harley, cocking her head. "I dunno, y'see, I'm just a dumb blonde. And I can't tell jokes, can I? Because I'm Harley Quinn and I'm not funny. I'm a pathetic failure, just like you want me to be."

"You..."

"I've never failed at anything in my life until I failed to please you," interrupted Fake Harley, suddenly furious. "I'm perfect. But if you don't want perfection, puddin', then I am going to be your perfect failure. I will not fail at failing, do you understand me?!"

"What..." began Joker, but Fake Harley suddenly leapt across the room, kicking Rocco, who was trying to sneak up on Batman, and knocking him into a wall, rendering him unconscious.

"Oh...wow," stammered Joker. Then his jaw tightened in resolution as he reached into his jacket pocket. "Don't worry, Batsy, I got this."

"Joker, try not to do anything..." began Batman. "...stupid," he finished, as Joker pulled a Joker fish out of his pocket.

He looked at it a moment in puzzlement. "I dunno why I brought this," he muttered. "You panic and you just grab everything...this is what I meant to pull out," he said, removing his gun from his other jacket pocket. "Don't move, toots, or I'll..."

Fake Harley was back across the room in an instant, slamming her arm onto his wrist and disarming him. Then she punched him in the face, and the chest, and the stomach, hitting him repeatedly. He tried to retaliate, but she was too quick, knocking him to the ground suddenly. "Some joke, huh, puddin'?!" she shrieked. "I guess it's about time Harley got payback and kicked your ass for once, huh, Mr. J?"

"You're not Harley!" hissed Joker, glaring up at her as she prepared to punch him again.

She fell to the ground suddenly as a loud crash resounded through the room. "No," snapped real Harley, standing over her with her hammer raised. "But I am."

"Harley?" gasped Joker.

"The one and only," she replied, smiling at him.

Fake Harley was on her feet in an instant, kicking Joker back suddenly so he hit the wall. Then she turned to attack real Harley, her face twisted in fury.

"I am not going to fail!" she shrieked. "I am perfect! I'm a better Harley than you ever thought about being!"

Fake Harley struck real Harley, who fell back. Harley tried to defend herself with her hammer, but Fake Harley was too quick. She knocked her back again, and then seized her hammer. "I am going to do what Mr. J should have done a long time ago," she hissed. "And beat your brains out. He deserves so much better than a pathetic little failure like you!"

Harley shut her eyes, cringing. But the blow never came. She opened her eyes to see the Joker standing in front of her, fighting with Fake Harley over the hammer. "Nobody else hurts my Harley," he hissed.

He kicked Fake Harley back, knocking her to the ground. "Harley, get the gun!" he shouted at real Harley.

She struggled to her feet and raced across the room, but so did Fake Harley. Fake Harley reached the gun before she did, and backflipped onto the top of the piranha tank.

"I will be Harley Quinn!" she shrieked, pointing the gun at Batman. "Or I will kill the Bat! Take your pick!"

"Wow, she really is crazy," said Joker. "I like that in a dame."

Harley glared at him. "But she's still too competent," he added, hastily. "And nobody out-crazies me."

"Make your choice, puddin'!" demanded Fake Harley, cocking the gun.

Real Harley looked at Joker. "You gonna choose him or me, puddin'?" she asked, smiling gently. "You gotta choose one."

Joker shook his head slowly. "No. I'm choosing both."

He seized her by the shoulders. "Harley, you gotta not screw this up, ok?"

"What, puddin'?" she asked.

"You gotta jump over that fish tank," he said, nodding at it. "And grab onto Bats, and swing him outta harm's way."

Harley stared at him. "But...but if I miss, puddin', I'll land in the water. With the piranhas. You know how I feel about fish and...and they'll strip the flesh from my bones in seconds..."

"So you gotta not miss, pooh," he whispered.

She bit her lip. "I...I'm not sure I won't, Mr. J..."

"Harley, listen to me," he whispered. "You gotta do it right, for once. You're the only one who can do it. I'm depending on you. Don't let me down."

Harley nodded slowly. "Ok...Mr. J," she whispered. "I'll do it. For you."

She gazed at him. "And in case I don't...make it...I love you."

"Well, I won't love you if you fail," he snapped. "So don't do it, you useless waste of space."

She nodded, taking a deep breath. Then she ran toward the tank. She was about to leap up, when the Joker suddenly grabbed her leg. She shrieked, tripping and slamming into the glass of the tank, and making the whole thing shake violently. Fake Harley lost her balance and fell into the tank with a scream.

Harley heard frantic screaming and splashing, but the Joker had climbed on top of her and now held her head firmly down on the floor. "What's going on, puddin'?" she whispered.

"Nothing you need to see," he murmured. "It ain't gonna help with the fish phobia."

Harley was allowed up at last when the screaming stopped, to see that the tank had been dyed red. But there was no trace left of Fake Harley.

Harley shuddered, burying her face in Joker's chest. "Sorry you had to see that, Bats, but you gotta admit, she did deserve to die," said Joker, pulling Batman away from the tank and gently lowering him to the ground.

"Nobody deserves to die," muttered Batman. "Especially not like that."

"Why did you trip me, puddin'?" asked Harley as Joker untied Batman.

He shrugged. "I knew you wouldn't make the jump. You're too clumsy. You probably would have just taken Bats down with you. But after that big pep talk I gave you, Fake Harley wouldn't be expecting you to just trip and fall. She didn't really get how useless you actually are at stuff. That was the problem."

"Guess you learned your lesson about trying to replace me, huh?" asked Harley.

Joker shrugged again. "Well, when you come to depend on people being useless, and suddenly they're not, it's a pretty annoying thing." He smiled at her. "And I gotta admit, I'm kinda happy to see you."

Harley smiled back. "Welcome to the club," she murmured, reaching for her hammer.

She suddenly began beating him violently with it. "That's for trying to replace me, you ungrateful jerk!" she shrieked. "And that's for fighting with me, and for all that crap you said, and for breaking my heart, and for making me think you had cheated on me, and..."

"That's enough, Harley," snapped Batman, grabbing the hammer away from her.

"Hey, don't spoil the fun, Bats!" chuckled Joker, beaming through the cuts and bruises. "Things were just starting to get good!"

He held out his arms and Harley squeaked, rushing into them. "I love you, Mr. J," she whispered.

He kissed her tenderly. "You worthless little brat," he whispered, smiling at her. "What would I ever do without you?"

"Mmm...go crazy?" she asked, grinning.

He chuckled, kissing her again. "Already there, baby," he murmured, hugging her. "Already there."