Naive BWWM (Completed)

Ch 15: You Are My Escape

It's almost Christmas and it's been over a month since my divorce and I feel...

I don't even know how to describe it.

Last week was Cameron's birthday. I'm so used to making his favorite and just catering to him that it took everything in me...well and the psycho six, and my parents, and Chase to not have a breakdown.

I thought that once he was out of my life that would be it.

No one tells you about the emptiness or the longing, or the thousands of versions of 'why' that float through your head, or the sleepless nights, or the crying and the aches in your chest. 

Everyone has been amazing through it all though. Ryder and Tony visit every other weekend and call me at least four times a week to make sure I'm okay. My parents wanted me to move back home, ABSOLUTELY NOT! Chase's parents threaten bodily harm to Cameron on a daily basis. At least two of the P6 stay with me, which is a bit annoying. I mean sometimes I just want to be alone, then again, when I'm alone it doesn't usually go very well. Nonna makes me dinner at least twice a week, even Antoneo calls to see how I am at least once a day. Gianni still hasn't called since he landed in Italy, but Nonna says he's just settling down and is very busy.

I still miss him.

Chase calls me every day, even though I see him five times a week. He's so sweet. He came over on Friday after work.

FLASHBACK

We're in the living room watching Romcoms. Chase brought over chocolate, ice cream, and brownies, and made us hot chocolate from scratch...best ever. Out of nowhere I just start crying for no reason. Okay...maybe not, but I hardly think that seeing two people fall in love after giving each other hell for most of the movie, is a good reason to cry.

Anyways, Chase reaches over and drags me to his side of the couch. He wraps his arms around me, while I cry on his chest.

After a while I calm down. "I'm sorry Chase. I did-I mean..."

He lifts my head, talking it into his hands. He looks me in the eyes and says, "Love, you have nothing to apologize for." He wipes away my tears with his thumb. "I cannot imagine how you are feeling at this moment. It rips at my heart knowing that I can't take this pain away and bear it for you. You may not feel at your best, but I can tell you that it doesn't change how I feel about you. I am just as, if not more, in love with you than I have ever been. So, get as snot-faced and flustered as you need to. I'm not going anywhere." He kisses my forehead and lays my head back on his chest, rubbing my back comfortingly.

I'm not really sure why, but something inside me changes. I still feel heavy inside, but...I don't know. I just feel different somehow. "...thank you..."

He answers by pressing another kiss to the top of my head.

END FLASHBACK

Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah. Gianni is due back today, but only for a week so that he's back in Italy by Christmas. I don't know if that's a good thing. I mean yeah, I miss him, but the last time we were together it was a bit...steamy. I don't want to want a repeat of that, but I do want a repeat of that, and that's bad. You know what I mean? I shouldn't crave his body on mine. I shouldn't want him to kiss me so good I forget my own name. I shouldn't want to follow him to Italy and never look back.

Lord, I need you?

Oh well, I should get out of bed and get started. I head to my spacious walk-in closet and pull the large doors open. I look at a few outfits and finally decide on black skinny jeans, a grey long sleeved off the shoulder sweater, grey and black suede booties, and a black beret. I pair my outfit with silver hoops, and a silver necklace. I lay it out on the long bench in my closet and head to get cleaned up. After getting cleaned and dressed, and taking the rollers out of my hair, I head back into my closet for my black asymmetrical pea and leather coat. I grab my keys and cell phone, throw them into my bag and walk out the door.