FOREVER NOW (a Simon & Baz story)

Chapter 2

SIMON

Today is the day of the solstice. That's what I didn't tell Baz.

I'm kind of surprised he agreed to come after my crap reasoning for wanting to visit Hampshire. Maybe he sensed this was important to me, though he wouldn't know exactly why. Because that's something else I didn't tell him. I have a whole list in my head now of things I haven't told Baz.

No. 1 -- I've been reading the Mage's notes. That's how I learned about the power of the solstice. It's a very auspicious holiday. Apparently.

I know Baz hated him, though, and I don't blame him. He did some terrible things. But he wasn't all bad. Despite everything, I can't bring myself to hate him. I tried, for Baz's sake. But the Mage is the one who brought me into the world of magic, he'll always be that to me. I'll always be grateful for that.

And I want to understand him--what he was trying to do, why he killed Ebb, what he wanted from me. I spent months not thinking about all these things, but the thoughts seemed to push and push on my brain until they all broke through and now I can't stop wondering.

Anyway, my therapist says it's not healthy to avoiding thinking like I've done in the past. So. I'm working on that.

No. 2 -- I've been trying to figure out where I came from. I've been studying the prophecies, trying to find my parents, my birthplace, my birth date--anything.

Penny's been helping me with this, or else I'd have gotten nowhere. Not that we've made much progress. Penny has some theories, of course, but nothing solid yet.

I don't like to get my hopes up.

No. 3 -- I miss magic. Baz already knows this, probably. Pities me, most likely. I don't need to make it worse by telling him just how completely empty I feel without magic.

I wouldn't trade it---I wouldn't go back to how it was before, when I could go off at any moment. But I miss the feel of magic. I crave it; I'm starved for it.

It was worse in the beginning, when I couldn't even sense that a spell was being cast. Now I can. Or at least I think I can, a bit. It could be nothing. I could be imagining the fire, the echo of heat when Baz casts a spell. It could be a phantom taste of sage on the back of my tongue when Penny casts. I don't know. Maybe it's just wishful thinking.

But maybe not.

That's what I'm hoping to figure out today.

No. 4 -- I'm trying to teach myself to fly. To make use of these bloody wings. Penny's helping with that, too.

The last time I tried I got about a meter off the ground before something went wrong--I didn't use my tail to balance properly, or I flapped my wings too hard, or not hard enough--I'm not sure. One moment I was in the air, exhilarated because I was doing it!

The next moment I was on the ground, leathery wings tangled all around me, my ankle broken and throbbing.

That was the first time I swore I tasted sage from Penny's magic as she layered healing spell after healing spell on me. But I guess it could've just been the mouthful of dirt and grass I swallowed.

Anyway, it was embarrassing. That's why I didn't tell Baz. He'd never stop laughing at me.

No. 5 -- I love him. I, Simon Snow, am completely and utterly in love with Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch. And I haven't told him.

It's been implied, sure. I've almost said it, about two hundred times now. But I get scared. Loving someone like Baz is terrifying. (Not because of the vampire thing, though admittedly that was a concern at first. But I know he won't bite me, he won't hurt me.)

If we were stars, I'd be a black hole, dying, burnt out, at the end of my life. And he would be a whole fucking galaxy. He's so bright, so powerful, so sure of everything.

And he chose me.

And I chose him.

But sometimes I worry that I'm holding him back. I worry that he'll fade out trying to slow to my pace. I worry that he's not living up to his potential with me dragging him down.

I don't tell him this because I don't want him to feel bad. I don't want him to know what an insecure arse I'm being.

And also I don't tell him this because I don't want him to realize it, if he hasn't already.

I've lost just about everything that ever mattered to me. My mentor. My magic. My family (if I ever even had one; Penny thinks I might've been made, whatever that means.)

I'm not sure what I would do if I lost Baz too.