Dancing to Thunder - Kim Jongdae

It is not tiredness

i have a loneliness that is tangible,
but it is not a loneliness.

it is a rock, and it is me, and it is being too tired to shower.

i say i am sad, because that word is short
and my mouth is weary,
because everything is weary,
because
i am sad (see).

I am not sad.
sad feels different, transmutable.

this not a burning house, but a house already burnt.
it is not the fire but standing in the ashes
after,
sifting through the soot for pictures of the
people
you thought loved you the most.

i am tired, but it is not a tiredness.

it is a pair of hands pulling me through the
ground,
always,

and always,

and always."

Han Yonhee found that she was constantly lonely ever since Kim Jongdae had gone.

The question of where he went still haunted her, and she still visited the lonely hill every night, just in case a faithful friend decided to show up.

Her efforts were to no avail and there was never a single soul on that lonely hill other than she, the lonely tree's branches stretching out over her head and blocking her view of the lonely sky, as if to shield her from the knowledge that Jongdae was gone.

She had a loneliness that was tangible, but it was not a loneliness.

She was sad, and being sad was easy because her body was weary and worn down.

Han Yonhee was tired, but it was not a tiredness. It was a longing for what could have been, what should have been, rather than this tug of war her heart and mind played with each other.

She desperately wanted Kim Jongdae back. She would take back the nickname she called him, the times they didn't speak, if only he would return to her.

What did I do so wrong to deserve this? She would think some nights, huddled in the cold on her lonely little hill.

Some nights it would rain and Yonhee would shiver among the lonely tree's roots, not sure if it was rain water or tears that ran down her cheeks.

Some nights the crickets would creak their little songs into the air and the gentle music made Yonhee sob, for the soft melodies reminded her of nothing but Kim Jongdae's bell-like laugh that always escaped him whenever he summoned the Lightning.

Some nights it would begin to rain again, and Yonhee would watch the sky for Lightning, listen for thunder, but all she would see was the fat, heavy tears from the clouds and the sound of those tears hitting the grass around her.

And some nights she would just sit in silence and wonder why it all happened to her. Why God - or whatever divine being there was in the Heavens above - chose her to be stripped of the blessing that was Kim Jongdae; to be the one separated from the beautiful Lightning that brought her peace, brought both of them peace.

And some nights Han Yonhee would scream and plead God to bring Kim Jongdae back, or at least tell her where he had gone, why he had gone.

But she never got an answer, and so she would remain there to cry her silent tears.

There was no more Kim Jongdae to cry for, only the thought of him remained.