Comfortably Numb ↠ An Original Story

7- Therapy, You Were Never A Friend To Me

            Once I finally woke up, I heard Luke and the doctor’s voice talking softly. “We need to put Alexandria in therapy!” The doctor exclaimed. I tensed up and begged my eyes not to open.

            Luke sighed, “She’s gonna hate it. She won’t listen to a word of it, it’s a waste if we put her in therapy.” I’ll thank Luke later for that.

            Even though my eyes were shut I knew the doctor was glaring at Luke, “Well, do you want her to do that again?! Therapy is the only choice. She may also talk again!”

            Luke growled, “Alexandria won’t try it again! And I would love for her to talk but I’m going to let her find her voice herself.”

            The doctor grunted stubbornly, “Fine! But you’re gonna regret this. She’s been diagnosed with major depression and social anxiety.” She stomped her foot.

            Luke chuckled, “I doubt hat I’ll regret it but thanks for your concern. Buh bye now!” I fought the urge to grin at Luke’s annoying voice. Once the doctor left he sat down next to me and poked my stomach, “I know you’re awake Lex, I’m not a dummy.”

            I giggled and opened my eyes, “Hey Lukey. Thanks for not putting me in stupid therapy by the way.”

            “No problem. So what does it feel like?”

            “What does what feel like?”

            “Depression.”

            I paused and thought about it for a moment, “It like drowning. Except you can see everyone around you breathing…”

            Luke nodded understandingly. “I guess we should go home now.”

            “Okay.” I replied.

            We rode home in silence, not an awkward silence though. Just silent. I plugged my headphones into my iPod, putting on Therapy by All Time Low. I combed my fingers through my greasy hair. Ew, when was the last time I showered? Stupid hospital not letting me shower. Stupid hospital in general. Blah.

            Luke parked the car in the driveway and ran up the stairs, ignoring Alice’s hellos. I went into my room and shut the door, looking around. Luckily, my room looked untouched. After quickly showering, I laid on my bed, thinking about how horrible things were going to be at school tomorrow. Gossip spread quickly at New Hope High.

            I heard the doorbell ring and quickly shot up from bed and looked out the window. I looked to see who was here and I saw… Peyton’s car? Why was he here?

            I looked in the mirror that sat on my wall in my room and saw my hair was still wet and my fringe was awkwardly frizzy and standing up. Sighing, I attempted to flatten it but it stayed stubborn. I ended up putting it in a messy bun. Why did I care what I looked like when Peyton was around? I have no clue.

            “Can I see Alex?” Peyton’s voice rang through the small house.

            “Sure! She’s upstairs, in her room. First door on the left.” Luke said cheerfully. I heard Peyton’s footsteps ascending the stairs and quickly jumped on my bed, pretending to be busy with writing poetry. Which I was actually, before I got bored with it. So I’m not fully lying. I guess…

            I heard Peyton knock on my door and waited a moment to invite him in. I don’t want to sound desperate. Why do I care so much about what he thinks of me?

            He walked in and I smiled softly. Without warning he ran and hugged me, putting his head in the crook of my neck. I blushed a bit and awkwardly hugged him back. “Well hello to you too.” I chuckled.

            He grinned against my neck and lifted his head to look at me. “I thought you were dead.” He said quietly.

            “I guess rumors spread quickly.” I replied, studying my hands that now seemed very interesting.

            He enveloped me in another hug, whispering, “Did you really try to… kill yourself? Because of depression or something?” He winced at the last two words. I looked down biting my lip and I felt his eyes on me. I knew what he was thinking, why am I such a freak, it would be better if I died, etc. etc. But I agreed with that last one too.

            “What does depression feel like?” He murmured. I looked up at him and thought about it.

            I gave him a different answer than I gave Luke, “Depression is like a nightmare. I have no control of what’s going on. There’s no way out and it feels like no one cares. No matter what I do I’m never good enough. I’ll always be useless, not good enough, worthless, and hopeless. I’m scared and lonely all the time. No matter what I’m doing or who I’m with the feelings are always there. It feels like an endless circle of guilt, worthlessness, pain, fear, and weakness. You feel like there is no point in trying anymore. It’s an endless circle of failure.

            You feel empty, like you’re not really existing. You’re breathing, but that doesn’t mean that you’re alive. It’s when it hurts to smile, hurts to laugh, hurts to breathe. Everything you do hurts, and there’s no getting away from it. No one understands what you’re feeling. You’re silent, but in reality you’re screaming for help and no one can save you. You’re on your own for now on. Everything you do leaves you tired. Things you used to enjoy, they don’t bring any comfort to you.

            The only thing that might bring relief is the feeling of a cold blade, the taste of alcohol, the smell of drugs. People will try to take those things away from you, but you don’t let them. They don’t understand what it’s like living with depression. It’s your throat tightening up with every sob as you cry, making it harder and harder to breath. It’s hoping that every night you don’t wake up, that maybe the pain will finally stop, even though you know it won’t. It’s always lying when someone asks you, “How are you?” It’s always feeling tired, even if you sleep for ten hours. It’s feeling so weak, every muscle in your body aching. Depression is all of those things much more.”

            I felt tears welling up in my eyes and a lump in my throat. Tears threatened to spill down my cheeks. I so desperately wanted to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out, but Peyton was here, and I couldn’t do that in front of him.

            His eyes stayed glued to me and I blushed deep red, why the hell did I just say that? I mentally cursed myself and looked up at him, staring into his deep blue eyes while his gazed into my sky blue ones. I bit my lip nervously and kept looking at him.

            He quickly looked at my lips- the universal sign a boy wants to kiss you- before speaking softly but melodically. “I love you.” My eyes widened and I thought I heard him wrong. He probably said something else, but just as I thought that he leaned closer to me. I leaned to him instinctively too, and our lips touched. His soft lips kissed me and his hands moved to my waist. I kissed him back and looped my arms around his neck as he pulled me closer.

When we finally pulled away, the feeling of his lips on mine still lingered on mine. We ended up lying down on my bed, my head buried in the crook of his neck, legs intertwined, and his arms around my waist, cuddling. Eventually I fell asleep in his arms, as happy as can be.

Authors Note: Do you like the chapters better this long? Or should I keep them short? Comment below!