Prompt: Song!Fic for Broken Home by 5SOS because this song killed. Me. Like actual sobbing occurred. (Sounds Good Feels Good buy it on iTunes)
A/N: This one just has Dan in it being super sad so maybe I'll do a part two that has Phil in it idk if you guys want
Genre: Angst so sad pls dont be sad my munchkins
Triggers: depression, anxiety, self harm, fighting (not like physical fighting but yelling and stuff), homophobia, suicidal thought and feelings.
Words: 1111
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They would yell, they would scream, they were fighting it out
He would hope, he would pray, he was waiting it out
Holding onto a dream
"Well it's not my fault he's gay Even!" Dan's mother screamed from down the hall. His parents liked to pretend that they didn't care about his sexuality but it was clearly wrong.
"Well if it wasn't for you letting him play with girls toys then he wouldn't be like this!" Dan's father yelled back.
All Dan could do is listen dreadfully to their fighting and silently cry himself to sleep.
Sharp words like knives, they were cutting him down
Shattered glass like the past, it's a memory now
Holding onto a dream
While he watches these walls fall down
Dan walked up the stairs of his house and slouched his back. He didn't care anymore.
He got to his room and slipped off his shoes and flopped onto his bed. He felt empty. His eyes were cloudy with dread and anxiety. The only feeling Dan was was familiar with was depression. Without feeling. He was constantly surrounded by hopelessness and desperation.
All Dan wanted was to feel something. Sometimes he couldn't even feel sadness. Dan was just void of all feeling. He was constantly teetering on the line of suicidality and wonder how far he would ever go. In the hopes of feeling something, anything, Dan resulted in self harming. He saw blogs and websites that said feeling pain was better than nothing, and Dan had to agree. When Dan self harmed, it was as if he could take control of his situation. Everything in his life was a blur and a mess and half of the time he couldn't distinguish being asleep and awake. He felt lifeless all the same.
Dan could see the rift in his family's conversations. Every emotion and word spoken was forced. The silence was deafening. Dan could swear he could hear the beating of his own heart through his chest. Dan avoided eye contact whenever possible but the tension didn't reside. There was a silent understanding between Dan and his parents that he was unwelcomed. Sometimes Dan just wished his parents would kick him out already, just scream and kick and yell at him like he knew they wanted to. Dan could see the disappointment and despair evident in his parents features.
He was a failure. Dan's parents knew that.
And Dan knew it too.
Hey mum, hey dad
When did this end?
Where did you lose your happiness?
I'm here alone inside of this broken home
Who's right, who's wrong
Who really cares?
The fault, the blame, the pain's still there
I'm here alone inside of this broken home, this broken home
Dan desperately wanted to go to his parents. Apologize for saying he was pansxual and go back to the way things were the before.
Before the fighting.
And the yelling.
And the crying.
And the cutting.
And the depression.
It wasn't his parents' fault. Dan knew that.
It was very clearly Dan's fault.
If Dan had never came out, everything would be different. He had a crush on a girl once, he knew he could be attracted to women, he just prefered men. Dan should've just dated and married a girl. It wasn't something he was entirely comfortable with but being with a woman would have made his life a lot would have made his life a lot easier.
Wrote it down on the walls, he was screaming it out
Made it clear, he's still here, are you listening now?
Just a ghost in the halls
Feeling empty, they're vacant now
All the battles, all the wars, all the times that you've fought
He's the scar, he's the bruises, he's the pain that you brought
There was life, there was love
Like a light and it's fading out
Couldn't Dan's parents see that he's wearing away. His eyes were lifeless and his heart empty.
Every scream, every word, every yell; Dan felt it. His parents' fights were weighing him down. Dan knew that the fighting was his fault, it just hurt that his parents made it so obvious. Dan used to be a happy kid, with aspirations and hobbies and life, but now he's just empty. Dan never felt like he was needed anywhere. It was as if he was dead already. Dan felt dead, but apparently he was dead to everyone else.
Useless.
Dead weight.
Hey mum, hey dad
When did this end?
Where did you lose your happiness?
I'm here alone inside of this broken home
Who's right, who's wrong
Who really cares?
The fault, the blame, the pain's still there
I'm here alone inside of this broken home, this broken home
Dan always did his best to stay positive. Between the fights and bullying and depression and over feeling of hopelessness, it's was difficult. Dan never felt like he wanted to wake up.
It was if every yell, every shout, insult, criticism was scarred into his brain. Even when his parents yelled at each other, he still felt the blame.
You've gotta let it go, you're losing all your hope
Nothing left to hold, locked out in the cold
You painted memories then washed out all the scenes
I'm stuck in between a nightmare and lost dreams
Dan hadn't died yet, but he imagined this is what purgatory was like. A constant feeling of wanted to float away, but can never leave. Dan only could survive day to day. The same torturous thoughts spiraling around his mind.
Worthless
Stupid
No need to be alive
Fat
Ugly
Fag
The reason for everyone's problems
Useless
Pointless
Each word left so many scars.
Some physical, some not.
Hey mum, hey dad
When did this end?
Where did you lose your happiness?
I'm here alone inside of this broken home
Hey mum, hey dad
When did this end?
Where did you lose your happiness?
I'm here alone inside of this broken home
Who's right, who's wrong
Who really cares?
The fault, the blame, the pain's still there
I'm here alone inside of this broken home
This broken home
I can never get out.
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SOZZ THIS SUCKED
