Kind Crimson Eyes

Loneliness

"Hmm? W-What do you mean?" I stammer, confused by his question.

"You ask that when you want to know how people are feeling? Correct?" Kaworu asks.

"Er...well I guess." I reply. "But maybe just a simple 'how are you feeling' would work better."

Kaworu thinks for a moment.
"Alright. How are you feeling?"

I start nervously playing with clumps of grass.
"I-I don't really know.." I answer quietly, keeping my eyes on my hands.

"I would like to understand you better, Shinji." Kaworu looks out at the pond and then back to me. "Do you like piloting?" He asks.

My eyebrows furrow.
"Of course not. I don't know how anyone could." I grumble. My hands start getting clammy just thinking about it.
"I do it because that's what everyone wants me to do. Even though I'm worth less than Rei, Asuka and you combined."

Kaworu frowns at me.

"Do you like it?" I ask back.

He answers immediately.
"Yes. Because I get to see you, Shinji."

I feel the blood rush to my cheeks and I turn away so he can't see.
"Ar...aren't you afraid?" I stammer. "Of the Angels I mean?"
I turn back to Kaworu who has a smug smile on his face.

"Not at all. When you're out there with me, I have no reason to be."

I look down to my hands again.
"I might be more willing to pilot if I knew people would be proud of me...All I seem to do is ruin everything and make people angry." I mutter, clenching my fists in my lap.

"You shouldn't worry about what others think. They wouldn't keep you as a pilot if they thought that you weren't useful."
Kaworu pauses.
"And as for your father, I don't believe there's any way for you to please him. I wouldn't waste my time worrying over whether or not he's proud. His mind is greatly focused on other things and would not have the time to express any feelings he may have. He may not even know how."

I relax my clenched fists.
"You're probably right...maybe I'm just being stupid.." I sigh, pulling out a clump of grass and throwing it into the pond.
"Are you afraid of anything, Kaworu?"

"Hmm..." Kaworu thinks, taking my retorical question seriously. "Well..the thought of never being able to get close to someone is a little frightening...but I don't have to worry about that happening." He smiles softly at me.
     I'm not exactly sure what he means by that, but it makes my heart flutter anyways.

"Do you mind if I ask a more personal question?" He asks, looking out at the water again with a more serious expression.

     I shake my head.

"What do you feel when you're alone?" He asks.

I think for a moment, trying to figure out what he actually means.
"You mean like...loneliness?" I reply.

"Maybe....is that what you feel when you're alone? What does it feel like?" Kaworu's eyes narrow slightly, waiting for an answer.

I play with clumps of grass again.
"Well...I don't mind being alone. When I'm alone I can't get hurt by others."
I pause for a moment. "I guess it can be lonely though. Loneliness is a strange feeling. You feel it in here.." I clutch at my chest.
"It's odd... It's a sickening feeling, like nausea..but somehow in your heart. And you can feel lonely even when you're surrounded by others...a-and you want so badly for someone to hold you or aknowledge you.. But all you seem to do is drive people away. Nobody will stay with you no matter how hard you try...You aren't worth anything to anyone and so it's better for everyone to just keep to yourself to prevent from bothering them and the loneliness continues..." I trail off, realizing I said way more than I meant to.

Unfazed by my ranting, Kaworu sits quietly, thinking over my words.
"And you feel lonely? Shinji?" He finally asks.

I pause, feeling the breeze tousle my hair.
"Yeah. Sometimes." I mumble. "It's alright through. I'm used t-"

Kaworu suddenly pulls me to him, causing me to fall over. He holds me to his chest and wraps his arms tightly around me.

"Kaworu!..w-what are you doing?" I stutter in shock.

"You said you longed for someone to hold you. This is what you meant, no?" He replies.

"I..I guess, yeah. I just didn't think....." I trail off, feeling myself warm from embarrassment.

I guess this is what I had said I wanted..

It's strange.

Foreign.

But I can't deny...It feels...nice.