Kind Crimson Eyes

I'm Sorry

I sit quietly, taking small, cautious sips of the steaming drink in my hands. As well as it being scaldingly hot, Kaworu must not have added enough of the powdered mix as it's a little thin and watered down. It may just be too hot to taste, but I'm not going to complain either way. I don't remember the last time I had anything to eat or drink.

     Between sips, I hear Kaworu's quiet footsteps return from his bedroom. He pads into the kitchen, now wearing dry clothes, and sits back down at the table. With a sigh, he looks thoughtfully out the window and fiddles with the mug in his hands, looking as though he wants to say something.
     I feel like I should preemptively explain myself before Kaworu can start yelling at me, but he doesn't say anything at all.
     Long before this point, Asuka would be yelling at me and Misato would have already ended up making things worse. It's what I've been used to and have come to expect. Because of that, I don't know how to deal with the silence. I'd rather he tell me what he was thinking. Even if that meant berating me.

     The longer the silence stretches on, the more frantic my thoughts get. Is he seething on the inside? Laughing at me? Is he trying to find a way to tell me to leave him alone? For good?
     Why did he have to be the one to find me out there? It's so embarrassing. Out of anyone, I didn't want Kaworu seeing me like this. I stopped caring about how Misato or Asuka saw me. I didn't care enough to waste the energy pretending anymore. But with Kaworu it's different. I want him to like me. I've tried hard to hide this side of me incase it's too much for him and he never talks to me again. Even at Nerv I found myself wanting to impress him; to seem like someone cooler or more talented than I really am.
    But I have undone all of that in a couple of days.

     My hands are clammy and my limbs restless and fidgety. The silence is too much for me to bear. I can't take it anymore.
     "Aren't you gonna yell at me or get mad at me or something!?" I finally ask, feeling as though I was about to burst.
     Kaworu turns from the window to look at me, his eyebrows furrowed.
     "Should I be mad?" He replies.
      He sounds genuine rather than accusatory, but I'm still not sure how to answer.
     Kaworu continues. "If anything, I'm happy you're safe now. That's all I care about." His eyes are rimmed red and he forces a brief, feeble smile before it falters.

     I've never seen him look so exhausted before. It's not like him at all.
     A twinge of guilt knots in the pit of my stomach. I try to shove it down, think of a reason for why he looks the way he does. Maybe it's not because of me. Maybe he looks like that for a reason other than because he was so fraught with worry over me he didn't sleep.
     Though, here I am again in his home, wearing his clothes, and being taken care of.
     I don't understand it. I don't understand him.
     I deserved to be left out there in the cold. I should've died. Though, I can't do anything right, so who knows what would have happened.
     Why did he come looking for me?
It's easier when nobody cares. If nobody cares, then there's no need to try. You don't have to worry about disappointing people and dealing with the pain once they inevitably leave you.
     I had things figured out.
     Or at least I thought I did.

     I realize I've been zoned out in self loathing when my hands gripping the piping hot mug begin to burn. I immediately let go and look up at Kaworu who's already staring at me.

     "How are you feeling? Are you tired?" He asks, glancing at the clock on the stove.
     1am.
     I wring my reddened hands, unsure of how to answer.
     "Um..I'm fine...I guess. I am a little tired, though, yeah." I mumble.

     Kaworu gets up from the chair.
     "Okay. Are you finished?" He asks, motioning towards the half-finished drink in front of me.
    I nod sheepishly and move my hands to my lap as Kaworu grabs the mug.
     He pours the rest down the sink, followed by his own, and rinses them out before turning off the kitchen light.