Kind Crimson Eyes

Anywhere but here

I close my eyes and savour the feeling of Kaworu's arms around me, committing it to memory. I'm not in a very comfortable position, but when I finally relax and sink further into his arms, I realize Kaworu is supporting me completely. I feel him squeeze lightly as he rests his cheek on the top of my head.
I've never felt anything like this before. I feel safe and warm sitting here in his arms. I don't even feel nervous or shy or anything.
I would be happy to stay here with Kaworu forever, but my cellphone buzzes, bursting our little bubble of happiness as quickly as it came.
I choose to ignore it at first, but it annoyingly buzzes twice more. I sigh and reluctantly pull it from my pocket, opening the messages.

Misato: (1) 5:33pm

Where are you!? Asuka said you haven't been home since yesterday afternoon!

Misato (2): 5:37pm

Answer me Shinji! Where are you?

Misato (3): 5:38pm

Do I need to send people out to look for you?! Please answer me Shinji.

I sigh again and roll my eyes. Misato is being overly dramatic, but knowing her, she really will send out a search party if I don't respond. I won't like the consequences, especially if it gets back to Nerv.
I quickly message her back, telling her that I'll be home soon. That's as much as she needs to know right now. I don't need to get Kaworu in trouble too.

"I need to get back.." I mumble, shoving my phone back in my pocket.

"Ms. Katsuragi?" Kaworu asks.

"Yeah." I sigh.

Kaworu begrudgingly unwraps his arms from around me and stands up. He then offers me his hand, helping me up.

-
We take our time walking back to the apartment complex. I never told Misato when exactly I'd be home, but she knows I'm alive. It's not as if I'm deliberately staying out past her made up curfew, so I'm not worried about getting back quickly. I wouldn't go back at all if I didn't have to..

When we finally do arrive home, Kaworu walks me to my door.
"I'm glad I was able to do this with you today." Kaworu says, smiling happily.

I catch myself smiling too and quickly look away.
"Y..yeah, me too. I haven't talked to anyone like that...ever."
Suddenly, something comes over me and I look back up to Kaworu with a brief boost of confidence.
"Can we do it again soon?" I ask, hoping I don't sound desperate.

"I'd love to." He beams. "I'll see you tomorrow after school. How's that sound?"
"That sounds great." I smile back, already nervous with excitement.

Kaworu turns and gives a little wave as he heads off down the hall back to his suite.

I smile after him, but when I turn around and come face to face with my front door, my mood instantly sours.
I don't want to go inside. I don't want to face whatever's behind the door. Is it too much to ask to stay in a good mood for at least a little while?

I open the door and step inside, closing it silently behind me. I let out a deep breath, preparing myself for an earful.
I slip my shoes off and attempt to make my way to my room, when I hear the sound of booming footsteps coming from the hallway.

"Idiot!" Asuka yells as she comes bounding around the corner. Her fiery red hair billows out behind her as she strides angrily towards me.
She stops in front of me and glares at me for a second before slapping me across the face.
"You worried Misato! How dumb can you be!?"
I slink away from her, holding my stinging cheek.
"Who do you think you are? What if there was an emergency!?" She continues to yell as my ears ring.
I say nothing as I wait for her to get annoyed enough to just leave me alone. Though, today, she's determined.
"What? You don't even have enough brain cells to answer me?" She jabs.

My fist clenches as tears prickle my eyes. However, Misato comes around the corner and I quickly compose myself.
"Asuka, that's enough. Go back to your room." She interjects, pointing down the hall.
Asuka clicks her tongue and storms away in a huff, leaving Misato and I alone.
Misato listens for the sound of Asuka's door slamming shut before she turns back to me.

"She went about it the wrong way, but she's right, you know. You worried us. If we'd needed you, it could have been disastrous. It's why we gave you a cellphone." She says, giving me a brief stern look before softening it.

I look away from her, saying nothing. I can feel my cheeks burning hot, and the handprint stinging on top of it.
Misato sighs.
"I'm just glad you're all right, Shin." She says, placing a hand on my shoulder.
"Why don't you come help me make supper?"

-

Misato's idea of helping her cook is heating up prepackaged rice and vegetables in the microwave.
It's better than what we eat when she doesn't feel like cooking, but it still takes a little willpower to force it down.

I say nothing while we eat, and when we finish, I head straight to my room. I immediately turn off the light and lay down on top of the covers of my bed, not even bothering to change. I pull my old cassette player out from under my pillow where I hid it from Asuka and put my headphones in before turning it on.

The hours drag on as I lay motionless, listening to the same few songs I've heard dozens of times before.
I don't want tomorrow to come, yet I'm desperate for this day to end. I can't even seem to appreciate the amazing day I actually did have today. It's as if it never even happened.

I'll be able to get through school, but I dread having to go to Nerv tomorrow. Every time I go, I'm overwhelmed with feelings of uselessness. My father never acknowledges my accomplishments and even if he did, the others are still all an entire league ahead of me.

I hate piloting. I hate the way it makes me feel. I don't want to do it anymore. I wish I had never come here.
I wish my mother hadn't died.
I wish my father had never left me alone.
I wish I had never been born.

I hit replay as the song I'm listening to comes to an end.
I watch as the lights from the city cast their muddled reflections on my wall just as it does in Kaworu's room.
I wonder if Kaworu is looking at it too