Random.Reality.Rants

R.R.R. #13

When I was a kid, I thought I can do anything as long as I put effort and time working on it.

I came across wonderful poems...so I wrote my own. I had about 10 poems written with illustrations to make them more interesting. I was in Grade school then.

I like to listen to music...so I wrote my own. I learned how to play the guitar and started working on the limited chords I knew. I was able to compose a full song when I was in 6th grade. It's called "(Strongly) Believe in me". And then I wrote another one...and another one...

My sister and his bandmates even sang my songs in a couple of occassions. I had so much confidence in myself that whenever I think of a certain idea, I make sure I can turn them into reality.

Then one day, I decided to write a book..well, a story with developing chapters. I wrote about 3 stories in a span of 3 months complete with book covers. Those were the times when I was just looking for new employment opportunities. I had so much free time..and energy. 

But all these time, energy, creativity...and passion seemed to have been locked someplace hidden when I got employed and started doing serious adult stuff...like work.

It is overwhelming...surprising...scary...

I had to put on a mask everyday and hide behind a certain personality that is not me.

When I lost my father 5 months ago, I knew that a big part of me died with him as well. I woke up feeling broken...unsure...insecure... and no matter how hard I try to smile and focus on the lighter side of things...I couldn't.

Then it all just came down on me like a nuclear bomb. I wasted so much time trying to conform to what society dictates a normal and functional person should that I lost sight of the more important things in life.

But unfortunately, fate is not done with me yet. It's not allowing me to recover from the fall just yet. I wonder if this is my karma...or...

...maybe God had bigger plans ahead and He needs me to be stronger to bd ready for it?

I wonder....I need something...anything to hold on to...to keep my sanity.