Teach Her, The Ways Of A Heart

Breaking down walls.

"So will you be there?" "Bear, I need you to stay still and shut up. The more you talk the longer we're going to stand here cleaning your stupid lip." I was annoyed. Weeks had gone by and I grew more and more annoyed with Bex,  his fighting mostly.

He'd come over with Kirk to try and soften me up so I could either stitch an eye, clean a bleeding lip or bandage his ribcage.

We weren't even a couple but by the arguments we'd have about his fighting, we wouldn't talk until he came over again. Kirk was playing with toys on my bed. I would peek up from the floor to check on him if he stayed quiet for too long.

"Yeah, I know that but please say you'll come to the gig tomorrow, Cheeks please?" "Why? So I can distract you and you ban me from that too." I was blunt with the entire conversation. The way he brushed off his fighting mostly. "Would you just stop Eli'Yana?" He shifted out of my grip. "I don't think you understand when I say that I don't want you at the hell hole for a reason."

I sighed exasperatedly and threw my hands in the air dramatically. "Why the hell not Becker? Zey gets to go." "You know exactly why Eli'Yana. Don't be stupid. Zeyaana is not my concern." He answered as he got to his feet and threw himself in front of Kirk, who laughed at the way he bounced. "I care about you too Becker, don't look past it just because I can't say what you say to me."

He looked at me momentarily. "Are you going to come or not?"

I didn't answer. Instead, I prodded on about his fighting. "Bex, I've got to do what you say because apparently, you're protecting me right?" He nodded, not looking at me. "Well, likewise here. I don't like that you have to get hurt so that you can take care of Kirk. I don't understand why you do it Bex."

"It's not your place to understand. You were born with a silver spoon in your mouth. I have to fight for money." He laughed. "Pun intended." I sighed. "Yeah Bex, but you have a family. Your grandparents love you, Kirk loves you. I don't have that."

He picked Kirk up. "Say ta-ta Kirk." The baby waved goodbye. "It's not fair how you looked pass Kenlan, and your friends when you say that." He shook his head. "Even if you don't want to hear it Eli'Yana. I fucking love you and for God's sake, open your eyes to the fact that you don't need your parents. I could teach you. I could teach you the ways of a heart but only if you let me rip off the covers and tear down your brick wall."

He walked out. Leaving me alone in my room. My vision blurred. That night I cried. I cried because I didn't know how to fall in love with the only guy who's ever confessed how he's felt. Even when he was angry. I cried because I have nobody else but my parents to blame. I cried because I didn't know how to love deeper than my friendships. I cried because my priorities ended with my brother and I have no idea how to change the fact that Becker was right.

I ruin my own life, every single day.

I was half asleep when a message from Bex had come through.
Bex: Maybe we can't be friends. The more time I spend with you, the harder in love I fall. I'm sorry Eli'Yana, you don't feel the same and I don't blame you, and I'm giving you all the space you need because being my friend won't help. Maybe when you open your eyes things between us could change. I'm really sorry I didn't say this to your face, I'm incapable of controlling my emotions around you. I'm waiting for you. I'm waiting for you... To make your mind up.  Good night.

I couldn't respond. If he knew that I agreed with him, what would it turn out like. I really liked him a lot and I was stupid not to hide it, but how could I? He made it difficult. So I didn't reply, it was still on my mind as I read it over and over again.

The rest of the night I'd tossed and turned. I stayed awake reading the message over and over again, until my eyes were dried fruit.

Bex would visit, but not to see me. He'd hoot for Kenlan to go out to the car. I'd stayed cooped up in my room on weekends, doing homework, studying, reading, writing poetry and watching how Kenlan and Bex would laugh at incoherent things.