Teach Her, The Ways Of A Heart

Allow Yourself

Monday mornings will always be gloomy, yet today was gloomy to the tee. I've never been affected by deaths within my school but this time however, I felt everything hang low.

The clouds were grey, the school halls felt like an elephant had been shoved in there and everybody was afraid to talk. The silence was heavy and I did not expect Emma-Lena's death to hit so hard.

Mr. Hills of course,  couldn't resist not bringing up the topic of her death along with the deaths of the two other people involved in the accident. "You know ladies and gentlemen, not everyone is as lucky as we've been, to wake up and breathe in the fresh air of a new day. I want you to reflect on your lives. Is it worth what you think it should be?"

Curtis spoke silently beside me. "She was the rose among the sunflowers." I didn't snicker like I usually would when he'd comment on Mr. Hill's speeches. One reason being my guilty conscious of how Kirk was going to have to grow up not knowing his mother, ever.

The rest of the day went by in a blur. I wasn't able to focus, it bothered me far too much that Bex tried and when she eventually gave in to having her son as part of her life, the opportunity gets ripped away from him.

"How's Bex?" Zeyaana questioned in a whisper. I shrugged in response. "We haven't spoken since he left my house on Saturday night." "But everything was okay then eh?" Gary inquired while he messed around with the food in his lunch tin. "He broke down. I suppose he's just scared of what he'll have to tell Kirk when he's older you know?"

I didn't tell a soul about Emma-Lena's death. It just felt like it wasn't my place. Especially since Bex chose to open up to me about his parents too.

He trusted me and I didn't want to ruin it by running out of the room and ratting to the first person I saw like "Guess what?  Emma-Lena was found DOA after a freak accident and Bex is an orphan." I respect Bex, our friendship and his emotions too.

They only found out at school anyway.

"You know, he needs you Eli, show him that you care about him and Kirk too." Kyani spoke as she slung her arm into my brothers before sitting down.

The exchange of smiles and butterfly kisses caused my heart to sink. I have nobody to share such moments with and it's all my fault really. I pushed Bex into the friend zone and even though he used Jason Derulo as a cheesy pick up line, I've developed a fear of ruining our friendship. "He knows that I do."

The week flew by. Especially since I had to cast kids from the drama class to act out my written piece. I barely had any free time. Mrs. Dean liked my novel and decided that for my final exam for literature, I had to have this play done on the last day of school, the day before the senior dance.

I didn't know what I was doing but I suppose that if I wanted to be a writer, I was going to have to cast my own characters. It would only get easier with practicality.

Bex and I haven't had any proper conversation since the weekend. He would respond to my texts with one word. I wouldn't bother him after that. It did hurt that he was shoving me aside but I understood that he probably needed space to drink this all in. I missed them though and I would tell him and he'd respond with miss you. 

I haven't even had time for my own brother. We'd see each other in the hallway and at lunch but we never had time alone. He'd have swimming and soccer, meaning I'd have to go home alone and stay stuck in my room with homework and assignments so that I could stay at school and cast when he'd be home early.

When I would arrive home however, he too would either be doing homework or he'd be at the Peters for supper and a paired assignment with Kyani.

I was in the school hall, holding a brief meeting with the people who signed up to be casted. Mrs Dean had made copies of my book as handouts so that they could read over it.