Anxiety // Jakob Delgado

2. | 16 weeks before

IMPORTANT!! PLEASE READ!
I have written 16 chapters of this book and I was planning on writing the whole thing at my own pace before publishing it all at once. I've come to the conclusion that this would have taken me too long. I'll still be writing 'Torn' but as soon as that's finished, this will become my new thing. I might not update this that much yet but I will definitely be writing it :))

Hailey:

After school, I'm on the verge of throwing up. I still have to walk home. I'm not sure if I can walk down that road amongst everyone else and make it home without breaking down. What could happen to me on that ten minute walk? I don't want to walk with people, but I don't want to walk alone. I'm trapped a bubble there's no escaping from.

My knees shake and my vision is blurry, but I'm hanging at the back of the crowd crossing the road. I keep pushing on. Once I'm across the road and out of the little crowd, I take a deep breath and pull out my phone and earphones. Music is always a good distraction from the world around me. If I can lose myself in a new world, I might be able to escape from mine long enough to get home without falling apart. At least it's almost raining, I tell myself. Winter is my favourite time of the year. At least my hot flushes are under control and I can wear long sleeves without anyone questioning me. The end of my sleeves are always tucked under my palm where they have no chance of sliding up.

I continue down the road and turn my volume up full, blasting Ed Sheeran in my ears. I then keep my head down and walk faster down the road. My vision slowly focuses in and out from single to double, but I try to ignore it. That happens often; I know it doesn't ever do anything, so I've gotten used to it. It's just another horrible symptom that proves I have this horrible condition. I know it sounds like a huge overreaction, but I guess you have to go through it to understand. My mind wanders back to that same boy I saw in my mind while showering this morning. Why is it doing this? This time he's wearing a blue dress shirt with dark skinny jeans, laying on his back, playing guitar on the grass. It's definitely the same guy; I can tell by the skin and hair.

My mind crashes back to reality as I find myself standing in my driveway. I made it. I walk up to the door and pull out my keys, unlocking the door and walking inside. My feet instantly carry me to my room where I throw down my bag and lay on my bed, catching my breath. Home is the only place I feel safe.

After a few minutes, my head stops spinning and I'm able to stand up. I walk over to my piano and lift the lid, sitting down on the stool and playing a few notes. Once my fingers are positioned on the keys, I start to play. Piano is one of my best escapes. I find that if I can get lost in the music, I'll be in a better place at least until the song ends. I love the way the keys feel soft and are so purely white they are almost perfect. People say that black and white are completely opposite and that's why they work together. But if things were truly so different, they wouldn't work at all. There would have to be at least one thing holding them together, and if they can't find that, they have no chance of working.

Suddenly my phone rings and I'm forced to stop playing. There's always those first few seconds of worry when my phone rings. What if it isn't mum? I can't talk on the phone any better than in real life unless it's someone who I can talk to in real life. It is Mum, so I know I have to answer it.

"Hi." I greet, not letting my mini panic show in my words.

"Hey, sweetie. Did you get home okay?" Mum asks in a caring voice, but still mad at her for putting me in a situation she knows I hate. 

"Do I sound okay? Do I sound dead to you?" I snap, instantly regretting it.

"Hailey, don't. You can't spend the rest of your life getting picked up at school by three o'clock every day. Now it's just the two of us, we are working off one income. If you want to go out and get yourself a job, I can keep picking you up every night. Take your pick." She snaps as if she had been holding that in for a while. Suddenly I feel bad and ignore the dizzy feeling working its way into my head as I speak.

"I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm okay. Did you need anything else?" I apologise.

"I was just letting you know that I'm going to be stuck here for a little while longer. There's lasagne in the fridge or you can wait until I get home." Mum sighs. For some reason, I don't feel so anxious about that. Right now, I just feel bad.

"Um, I can do that. Take your time." I try and sound confident, but I'm probably sounding very fake.

"I'm so proud of you, Hailey. This might just be the very first step to beating this. I love you." She tells me and I can't help but feel a warming feeling in my heart. That actually helped.

"I love you too, Mum. Bye." I say, hanging up.

I lay back on my bed and stare at the roof, slowing my heart beat. My thoughts are cut off when I hear a noise; it sounds like the soft sounds of a guitar being played. Before I know it, I'm at my window, looking at the park across the road. It was a guitar. I can only see the persons back, but I'm assuming by the short, dark hair that it's a boy. That's when he starts to look familiar, but I can't work out how.

After a few seconds of staring, I shake the thoughts out of my head and decide to take a shower. I'm about to step into it when my thoughts click; I saw this boy in my daydreams. Curious about him, I put my clothes back on and grab my phone, jogging down the stairs and out of the house.

I walk across the road and can't stop staring at the boy. I've never seen him in real life before; why was a dreaming about him? He's still playing and doesn't know I'm here, but when I step into sight, he stops. We hold an awkward few seconds of eye contact before he speaks, snapping me back to reality.

"Can I help you?" He asks. For some reason, that question was asked kindly, not like most people would ask.

"Who are you?" I ask, completely distracted by his eyes.

"Um, my name is Jakob. My Mum, sister and I just moved in a couple of doors down. I see you go to Newtown." The boy introduces himself, holding out his hand. I take it and shake it before replying.

"Yeah, I go to Newtown."

All of a sudden the anxiety hits me. I went a few minutes without it, but it's back, and I know I need to go. I close my eyes and turn around, about to walk when I'm cut off.

"What's your name?"

"Hailey." I reply, turning around to face Jakob again. Something about him is distracting, and for a few more seconds, I don't feel sick.

"Well, Hailey, maybe we could catch up some time. I'm starting school soon and it would be nice to have some friends." He tells me and for some reason, I say something I never thought I'd say.

"Come over now. My mum won't be home until later."

"Okay, sure. Can I bring my guitar or?" Jakob rushes, standing up.

My hands start to shake and my head spins as I open the front door, letting Jakob in. What have I gotten myself in to?