Anxiety // Jakob Delgado

44. | 3 weeks after

Hailey:

Nothing. I have nothing. It's been a week since we gave up on the tree and I've been unable to think of anything at all. Where would Jakob hide something like that? Where did he find the most comfort? Horrible things keep coming to mind, like the note blew away or something, but then I realised that he was smarter than that. He wouldn't hide something like that in somewhere so open. It has to be in an enclosed space. His room is too obvious- anywhere in his house is. What about my house? Where in my house would he find comfort? Maybe he wants people to think that, though. None of this makes sense.

Jakob, where the hell is it? I mentally ask him, looking out the window. I know he's there somewhere and I know he can hear me. Just knowing that makes it hurt even more. He's there yet I can't see, hear, smell or even touch him. Jakob is so close yet so far, but I guess that's how it was the entire time.

I once heard a story about a man who donated $15 to a suicide charity each fortnight. Every time the money came in, it would have the same note, For Noah- love Dad. It turns out that money was his sons allowance. Every fortnight, he'd donate the allowance of his son who committed suicide to the charity. When I heard that, it broke my heart. Before then, I didn't understand why or how people could let themselves get so bad they thought the only option was to kill themselves. That was the story that opened my eyes and caused me to think deeper. Jakob was that bad and no one around him knew. I spent so much time with him and I still didn't know. I'm on the brink of hating myself just because I didn't pick up on the signs. What if I had never let him go that night? Would he still be here? I could have saved him like he saved me.

But are we ever really saved?

•••

It's like there is another person on my shoulders, making me carry them everywhere. They make it hard to walk, to sleep, to do anything but hurt, really. My head hurts and so does my entire body. I'm too weighed down to even play the piano or get myself a glass of water. Mum comes in regularly and I stay in bed, only answering her when I need to. I just feel numb. Sometimes I stare out the window and I can picture Jakob walking up the driveway, his guitar in his hand, ready to play with me. He was always smiling when he played guitar. HIS GUITAR.

I force myself out of bed and down the stairs, running straight out the front door. My legs develop a mind of their own as they carry me down the street to his house. I ring the doorbell impatiently and wait for Leanne to open it. She instantly pulls me in for a hug, making it last longer than usual.

"I needed to talk to you." She tells me softly.

Despite my eager to get upstairs and search the guitar, I follow Leanne into the kitchen. She gestures for me to sit down on one of the stools but I have trouble doing so. This is where Jakob and I always used to sit when we ate together. So many kisses were shared, so many times our hands were held here. I'd rest mine on the bench and wait for him to take it, then I'd pretend like I wasn't waiting for him to do it. His hands always felt nice in mine, like they were meant to be together. Maybe we weren't meant to be together and that's why this happened.

"We need to start planning Jake's funeral."

"B-but, I-I" I stutter, unable to take this in. This hasn't crossed my mind once and I'm not prepared.

"We just... We all want you to be involved." Leanne explains.

"Um, I just... Can I please have a bit of a think?" I manage, embarrassed at how I worded that. I close my eyes and force tears away.

"Of course," she sighs, relaxing a little bit. "What do you need? Why are you here?"

"Um, I just want to see if he has some of my sheet music in his room." I lie, hopping down from the stool.

"Um, well, we haven't even been in his room..."  She trails off, her voice smaller.

"It's okay." I whisper.

Leanne doesn't say anything anymore so I leave the room quietly, slipping up the stairs. Something inside of me stops me at his doorway. The door is closed and it's almost like opening it will erase a little bit more of him. But what if the note is in there? Taking a shaky breath, I turn the handle. I close my eyes as I step inside, instantly met by the smell of him.

Come on, Hailey, he needs you to find this.

I force myself to open my eyes and start moving. I close the door behind me, wanting to keep as much Jakob as I can inside this room. It's a crazy concept, believing someone's soul can be trapped inside a room, just waiting for the door to open so it can escape. But that's how I feel and if there's anything Jakob taught me, it's that I should trust my feelings.

Once I manage to get past my emotions, I walk straight over to the guitar. Without hesitating, I pick it up and turn it over. Nothing. I shake it. Nothing. I look inside. Nothing. That's when I start to cry. I put down the guitar and start going through his things, looking for anything at all that could possibly help me. Then I move onto the bathroom, ready to sort through the cupboard. A bottle of pills instantly falls out. I don't need to look to know what they are. My heart skips a beat and I have to take a second to calm myself. The tears fall silently, my breaths hitching. My chest tightens as I pick up the little bottle. Ketamine. These are the drugs he took before he did it. I hear a noise and without thinking, I pocket the bottle.

"Are you okay? Did you find it?" I hear a voice outside the door. It's Leanne.

"Um, I just need a minute." I call back, surprised at how choked up I sound.

My hand slides into my jumper pocket, gripping the pills tightly as I cry into the cupboard door. My forehead rests against the wood and the hand that's not holding the pills grips the top edge. And that's where I stay, on Jakob's ensuite floor, sobbing like there won't be a tomorrow. There is no note, just the bottle of pills he used to make what he did seem like an accident.

All I know now is that I can't do this anymore. I give up.