Anxiety // Jakob Delgado

13. | 16 weeks before

Hailey:

We end up going back to my house. To my surprise, mum isn't here. Why is it she keeps disappearing all of the time? I don't mind because I'm with Jakob and we walk inside anyway, only to find a note on the kitchen counter.

'Hailz, I've been called back into work for an emergency meeting with a client. I'm so sorry. I'll be home at around 6-ish. Invite Jakob over to stay with you if you need to'

"She's gone back to work. Do you want to s-?" I turn around only to find Jakob much closer to me than I thought.

"Sorry," he laughs at my shock, "yeah, I'll stay."

I nod and put down the note before leading the way to the lounge room. I pick up a blanket and sit down on the couch. Jakob sits on the other end and I flick on the TV, only to find nothing on.

"Want to watch a movie?" I ask.

"Sure."

We end up choosing Divergent and I snuggle up to my blanket, getting comfortable. It isn't long until Jakob ruins that comfort.

"I'm cold." He tells me. I sigh and move across the couch until I'm close enough for the blanket to reach over both of us.

We stay in this position for most of the movie until I start to grow sleepy. As much as I try to keep it up, my head falls on Jakob's shoulder. Somehow in my sleepy state, I pull my legs up onto the couch and sit in the same position Jakob is with his legs sort of tucked loosely into his chest. Now, I'm fully laying on top of him and I can't seem to wake up to stop myself. The last thing I remember is Jakob's arm sliding around my back, holding me in a comfortable embrace. That's when I fall asleep.

Jakob:

When she falls asleep on my shoulder, I don't mind. I instantly turn my eyes away from the TV and look at her, making sure she's okay. Her mouth has fallen open slightly and her soft hair is just falling over her right eye. I push it out of the way and just keep looking. God, she reminds me of my old self. And that's scary. There's no way I'm letting Hailey get to where I was. Every day that goes by, I want to protect her more. Whatever has caused her to get this bad in the first place isn't here anymore. Whatever it is, it's done it's job and now it's watching what it's done grow and grow, feasting on everyday situations, making them unbearable for a person who used to be fine with them. It's not fair and it's so, so cruel. Hailey hasn't told me what happened to her but I know she will in time. Maybe I'll ask or maybe I won't- I don't know. I do want to know what's going on with her dad, though. Where is he?

My thoughts are cut off when my phone buzzes. I struggle to pull it out of my pocket without waking Hailey but I eventually do.

Mikaila: I just got home. Where are you?

Jakob: I'm at Hailey's. I'll be home around 6.

I don't get any replies from then on. The thoughts instantly start crawling back into my mind and I can't rid myself of them. I'm getting flashbacks of dreams from all those months ago and I can't find a way to get them out of my brain. I used to dream about being bullied. I didn't even know that was a thing until it happened to me. Somehow being here with Hailey is opening up something inside of me and I don't know why I'm not more scared. She makes me feel safe. For the first time in my life, I have a friend who knows what I went through and doesn't think I'm messed up because of it. But that's not true, either; I am messed up. I am so messed up inside and it's going to take me a long time to unravel the strings inside my brain.

*flashback*

"Yeah, keep running, Jakob. You know your fat legs won't outrun us." Jason calls, his little posse right on my heels. I don't stop, though because I can't let them see me cry. It's a rainy day and my feet make splattering sounds on the wet gravel as I run faster and faster.

That's when I feel a sharp pain in my ankle and I fall to the ground. My shoulder slams against the small stones hard, sending several waves of throbbing pain through me. The three boys don't take long to reach me and I know I have no hope of getting up. The water is soaking through my school shorts and as much as I try to pull the material away from my skin, it just keeps sticking.

"Don't bother. We already know how thick your thighs are." One of the boys spits, kicking me in the stomach.

"Wow, it's like his foot was just swallowed by a plate of jelly." Another one laughs, high fiving the other one. Their words are lame and weak, but I can't take it anymore. I close my eyes as they continue to kick me. I curl up into a ball and just take it from them, knowing I'm too weak to do anything about it. Why did they choose me? What did I ever do to them?  When did it get this bad?

"Maybe you should kill yourself. Maybe that would solve a lot of problems." Jason tells me. He's never said that to me before and I can't say it didn't hurt more than anything in the world. They've told me I'm fat, stupid, ugly, lonely, boring, rude, dumb, worthless, unloved and unwanted, but he's never told me to kill myself.

The boys run away and I'm left on the side of the road. who knows? Maybe a car will come along and I'll die. Maybe then I could make someone happy.

*end of flashback*

The tears are falling silently down my cheeks now. I don't want to remember those dreams anymore. I look down to see Hailey sleeping softly still and that causes me to cry harder. That dream was one of the worst; it didn't get much worse than that. She's causing me to fall apart again, but I want to fall apart if it means saving her. It's too late to save me, but it's not to late to save her.