Anxiety // Jakob Delgado

38. | 1 day after

Hailey:

I stay at the Delgado's house that night. Mikaila and I are painting our nails, doing everything we can to keep our mind off of Jakob. It's quiet though and all I am thinking about is him. What Mikaila said at the hospital won't leave my mind. Don't put me through this again. Again.

"Has this happened before?" I accidentally ask. It's out now and I can't take it back.

"What do you mean?" She asks, looking nervous. I think I already know the answer.

"Has Jakob gone to hospital before?"

"Um, Hailey, please just paint your nails." She dismisses my question, still looking nervous.

"Mikaila." I warn, not in the mood for this. I put the lid on the nail polish.

"I can't tell you this... Just in case, um, just in case he wakes up," she tells me, finally gaining the courage to look up. "He'd never forgive me."

"You practically just did. Please, I'm serious, I need to know something. I've told him everything I possibly could and I've never got anything back. Please, Mikaila, this isn't fair. I care about him as much as you do." I suddenly snap, the tears coming. Mikaila closes her nail polish and stands up. At first I thought she was going to leave the room but she just closes the door.

"Mum and Dad don't know this," she starts, sitting down on the bed nervously. She smooths down her pants with her hands and takes a deep breath before exhaling. Tears threaten to spill from her eyes but she blinks them away. "He was bad, Hailey. Really bad. I don't know how he hid it so well, honestly. At first he'd eat with us but then always disappear afterwards. Then when Mum and Dad started working later hours, he stopped eating. One day I caught him taking two loaves of bread from the fridge. He sat in his room and he ate every damn slice while he was sobbing his heart out."

I can't say anything. Mikaila is crying hard, looking down at the floor. I'm speechless, my heart breaking at this. Shakily, I stand up off the floor and move to sit next to her on the bed. To my surprise, she keeps talking through her tears.

"He's been to hospital three times before," this part came out barely as a whisper. Once was from blood loss, one because he tried to overdose and the third because he was completely covered in bruises and cuts from head to toe. That was the night he told me about the bullying. I noticed it every damn day after that. He said it was his fault and to not worry about it; he swore me to secrecy."

"I'm so sorry." I cry as Mikaila pulls me into an awkward side hug.

"Please don't be sorry. None of this is your fault." She tells me. I stay silent, just thinking. That's when it hits me.

"Do you...? Do you think this could have been another attempt?" I ask, for some reason nervous about it. I don't want to know the truth.

"It doesn't match up though. He slipped, Hailey, he couldn't have done that by himself. It would have hurt too much." Mikaila tells me and in a way, I guess it makes sense. I'm not sure if that puts my mind at ease or not.

"It hurts." I say. I don't know why and I don't know what it means. All I know is that it's true.

"I know, Hailey, it hurts so much. I want him here as badly as you do. He means everything to me."

Later that night, I'm laying in my bed. I can't sleep, all of these thoughts running through my head. It hurts. Thinking of him hurts my entire body, from my heart to my fingertips. I still can't get that thought out of my head: this could have been a suicide attempt. But how?

"Don't ever go down that street, Hailey." Jakob tells me as we walk down the road towards the mall. His hand is intertwined tightly with mine.

"Why not?" I ask.

"Drug dealers."

I'm confused, unsure as to why he's telling me and how he knows this. He grips my hand a little tighter as we cross the road.

I sit up, waking up completely all at once. I had forgotten this, pushed it out of my mind. He couldn't have been on drugs- he wouldn't do that... Right? I'm not sure I actually know anymore. For the first time since it happened, I feel the anxiety inside my chest. It hits me hard. Jakob is going to die; I can feel it. I have to see him. Alone. Visiting hours don't start for another nine hours. I have to figure this out. He can't have just 'slipped' and this happen. It doesn't make sense. My phone vibrates.

Mikaila: I can't sleep.

I don't reply because I don't know what to say. It's selfish but I just want to think about Jakob in peace. If he were here right now, what would we be doing? Would he be laying next to me? Would he be kissing my forehead in the way he does when he thinks I'm asleep but I'm really not, just listening to him whisper the beautiful things he says to me. Would he be telling me I'll get better? How could he say that when he possibly never did?