Anxiety // Jakob Delgado

28. | 7 weeks before

thevoicekidsEthan better update her book like asap because of this. (READ IT ITS CALLED 'BARELY BREATHING' AND ITS ETHIS)

Hailey:

Maths class again. It's not so much more of a surprise when Chris comes and sits down next to me. I don't freak out this time. In actual fact, I'm looking forward to the lesson. Today I'm having a good day and I won't let anything ruin it. I haven't had this attitude in so long and it's comforting.

"So how about tomorrow?" Chris asks.

"Alright."

I just said yes; I'm going to Lara's party on Friday. I'm not sure whether to be happy or scared. What am I going to wear? What am I going to say? What if they want an explanation?

"Wait, is that a yes?" He asks, a confused and shocked expression on his face.

"Yes." I say, looking at him briefly before looking back down at my work again.

The bell goes and class finishes, but a question is playing on my mind. I'm scared to ask it just in case I seem rude. Then I decide to just do it, but I can't work out if I have nothing or everything to lose.

"Can I bring Jakob?"

"Um, you're sort of my plus one so..."  Chris trails off. I know what that means, but I can do it. I can do this without him.

"That's okay. Sounds good."

•••

After school, I catch Jakob walking out the front gate and decide to catch up to him. He turns around and smiles when he sees me, his eyes instantly brightening up.

"Mum can drive you home." I tell him. I actually haven't asked her at all but I want to spend spend time next to him. Is it bad I'm in that deep?

"Okay, sure." Jakob smiles.

We walk back to the car together and I get in faster, notifying her that we're taking him home too. It's not like it's out of the way or anything. Mum pulls out of the car park and starts the short trip home.

"So what are you doing this weekend?" Mum asks Jakob.

"Um, we're actually taking a trip back to where we lived before here. Mum and Dad need to pick up some things from my grandmas house." He replies. I didn't know this. He says it confidently but I can sense the fear in him. He obviously doesn't want to go. Why would you want to go back to a place that once destroyed you?

"Oh! That sounds fun!" Mum says.

"Yeah." Jakob mumbles, only just happily enough to be believable.

There is no more talk until we reach my house. I don't know why, but we always drive straight to my house and then Jakob walks back. Maybe it's because his house is on the other side of the road? I honestly have no clue, but it's what happens. I get out of the car and grab my bag, but as I'm shutting it and about to walk to the door, Jakob grabs my arm softly.

"Do you want to do something tomorrow night?" He asks. Then I remember the party. A new wave of anxiety is starting in my head.

"U-um, I'm actually going to a party tomorrow night.." I stutter, trailing off at the end. I don't know why but I'm sort of feeling bad that he can't come.

"Who's party? Who are you going with?" He asks, a little shocked and confused, taking a little step back and letting go of my arm.

"Lara's party. I'm going with Chris." I tell him, feeling a little scared. He always reacts weirdly when I talk about Chris.

"With Chris?" Jakob asks, looking down at the ground. I feel so, so bad.

"I tried to invite you but he said I was his plus one."

It's silent for a few seconds as he kicks a stone on the ground. Then he looks up at me, his jaw clenched and his gaze harder.

"How are you going to go to a party?"

His words hit me a lot harder than I'm sure he intended them too. My anger is overpowered by my guilt. When I don't reply and he turns around, starting to walk, I call out to him. He doesn't turn around.

"Jakob, please." I plead, walking quickly after him. It's only when I grab his arm that he stops.

"Hailey, you don't know what went on in my life, okay? I've been replaced by ever person I meet, for someone better. I'm so damn sorry for thinking you were different."

I let go of his arm then, frozen in shock. I'm too shocked to even feel anxious. I feel tears welling up in my eyes but I don't blink, just watching Jakob walk down the road. I'm sure I hear his front door slam from here. Whatever that loud noise is, it snaps me out of it. That's when the anxiety comes. It hits me like a wave; like a massive, drenching tidal wave. My legs start moving as I run up to the front door, tears streaming down my face. My heart is beating and I feel like I'm going to be sick. What have I done?

I run straight to my room and lock myself in the ensuite, sitting against the cabinet and leaning my head back against it. My breaths come out in small, ragged clumps. I pull on my hair, needing to feel more pain as a distraction- the rings didn't help; they just reminded me of Jakob. How could he say something like that? Am I overreacting? I should have chased him. Why am I so stupid? Why can I never do anything right?

"Come on, come on." I whisper to myself as I rock back and forth, forcing this attack to be over.

Once I'm able to, I stand up shakily and undress. I stumble into the shower, turning the water on quickly. It comes rushing out, too cold but I don't care. I sit under the steady flow of water until everything drains away. My fingers are wrinkled and my back is numb from the water.

"It's okay now, it's okay." I tell myself, turning off the water and stepping out with shaky legs.

Clad in a towel, I step back into my bedroom. I quickly get changed, ignoring the sinking feeling in my chest. Jakob really said that to me. I climb into bed even though it's 4:00pm, and close my eyes. My head aches from all of the crying and my chest is still throbbing. I should call him. Yes, I need to call him. I stumble to find my phone in my school skirt's pocket. I cough as to clear my throat of anything and then find his contact. One ring, two rings, five rings, eight rings, ten rings. No answer.

What have I done?