Maya's POV
"Little do you know how I'm breaking while you fall asleep..."
I watched as my boyfriend of 5 years, Lucas Hopalong Bucky McBoing Boing Cowboy Sundance Heehaw Huckleberry Ranger Rick Ranger Roy Moral Compass Tristan Friar fell asleep. After I thought he was fully asleep, I felt around on my side table for my old songbook/ journal. Nobody has ever touched it, mostly because I had never let anyone touch it. I dimmed the lamp and grabbed the pencil I kept beside it, and started pouring my emotions onto a journal page.
As I wrote the recent journal entry, I could feel tears coming on. Recently, my dog, Buddy, had died of old age. He was 13 years old. I knew it was time for him to go, I just didn't want it to happen. I cried silently as I put my journal down.
"Little do you know, I'm still haunted by the memories..."
I then thought of all the good times Buddy and I had. When I first met him and his 6 other sisters, he caught my eye. A little blonde retriever with one blue eye, and one brown eye. I instantly fell in love with him, and my family and I took him home.
6 years later, he got me through one of the toughest moments in my life. I had to sit back and watch my best friend fall in love with Lucas. I was heartbroken, but I never let it show, until one night in Texas. Riley stepped out of the way for me, so Lucas and I could be together, and we've been together ever since.
I thought of the times that he ran out of the door at my apartment. I kept thinking he was gone for good, but he always ended up coming back. Some of these memories haunt me though, because he's gone now. At least I have Lucas to help me through hard times.
"Little do you know, I'm trying to pick myself up piece by piece..."
I've really been trying to keep it together since Buddy passed, but it's hard. It's like my heart was thrown on the floor and shattered. I've thought about getting a dog for Lucas and I, it might be a good idea, but it won't be able to replace Buddy. I got him in Gr. 1.
"Little do you know I need a little more time..."
Lucas has been with me every step of this process. Every morning when we wake up, he'll ask me how I'm doing, kiss my temple, and go to make breakfast. Every morning I'll say I'm getting there. I'm not actually, but I know I'll gradually get used to life without him. I'll snuggle deep into his chest, and then go to brush my hair.
"Underneath it all, I'm held captive by the hole inside..."
I'm a strong girl, I know how to hide my actual feelings. But inside, I'm at my breaking point. I haven't gotten used to life without Buddy. There's a hole in my heart, it was taken to heaven by Buddy. It's keeping me captive. I can't let him go, no matter how hard I try.
"I've been holding back for the fear that you might change your mind..."
While thinking about Buddy, I somehow got onto the thought of Lucas. It's been 5 amazing years since he asked me out in Gr. 8, but sometimes I wonder if he regrets asking me to be his girlfriend. I feel like he'll change his mind someday, and not want me anymore. The thought of that happening scares me.
"I'm ready to forgive you, but forgetting is a harder fight..."
I've told Lucas many times that I forgive him for liking Riley, much like I've forgiven Riley for liking Lucas. She's with Farkle now, I guess it's just hard to forget how they dated for almost a year. Their breakup was devastating for everyone, except me... Whoops? I was just glad that I could finally have a chance with him. And now, we've just graduated High School, are 19, and living together.
