Red-Heads On The Battle Front

36. Pin Me Down and Hold Me Up

I was back on the bed again. Back to staring at the ceiling and attempting to go back in time with a mental time-turner. Back to griping, back to moaning, back to groaning about life and all its niceties.

Basically I was throwing a full-fledged, three-day pity party, cake and all.

I grumbled and looked up at my socked toes, wiggling them to bring back the feeling. Somewhere between sleeping upside down and going through books faster than Hogwarts went through DADA teachers, they'd fallen asleep.

After the day I checked in the Dev's book, I went back nearly every day to check if he'd taken it off the shelf. It was a cowardly peace offering, and one he didn't accept. The book remained untouched, looking sad in its little dust jacket on the shelf. Cornelia ignored me or smiled a little tightly whenever I dropped by and whenever I was there, I didn't stay very long. Something told me that she and Celia would stop at nothing to get their OTP back together. The OTP being us. If you didn't get that.

"Gwen? I brought you some tea" I looked at my mum upside down. Her eyebrows are mustaches for her eyes. I sniggered at this thought and she raised one of mustache-I mean eyebrows.
"What's so funny?"
"Point of views" I said simply before turning back into the right position "What's up?"
She pointed to the tea that she'd set down amidst my books. She wove her way through the yarny mess Ghibli had made rolling around on the floor, and sat next to me. I looked at her curiously
"Whinny, are you okay?"

My Mum, for the most part, let me solve things on my own. From a very young age, she let me experiment and get myself out of the messes I'd gotten myself into in the first place. She never asked me, never questioned even for the slightest second that I'd be able to take care of myself. So if she was asking now, I was definitely in this too deep. I swallowed and shook my head. She gestured to her shoulder and I shook my head again. I was too wrung out to cry. Instead, I just lay my head on her shoulder, inhaling her familiar scent.
"Are you sniffing me, Gwen?" she asked, amused.
"No..." I mumbled, burying my nose into her shoulder as she stroked my hair. We stayed like this for a bit before she broke the silence.

"It's alright, Whinny" she said soothingly.
"Love's a bitch, Mum" I said
"Language! And no, it is not" I raised my head from her shoulder and looked at her incredulously. She was smiling at me fondly, her eyes crinkling at the corners. It reminded me of her own story, how she met Dad, how she'd felt they wouldn't work at first but then ended up marrying, and staying married for twenty seven long years. She must've told me and Celia this story at least a billion times.

"Love doesn't always have to hurt, Whinny. Love can be simple, and yet the most complicated thing in the world. Contrary to popular belief, it isn't just something that comes easy. If it did, then it would be taken for granted. Why do you think people make such a big fuss over it? It's rare, and you have to...take a chance" she looked at me knowingly and I turned my head away, not meeting her eyes. I knew what she was referring to.
"But I don't like taking chances-"
"Yes, I know, Ms. Nice-And-Comfortable. You're such an old lady, dear. Go out into the world! Have fun! Be young!" I raised an eyebrow at her impassioned speech
"Are you telling me to be an alcoholic and do hard drugs, Mum?" I sniggered. Her mouth went very thin.
"At least it's condemnable. Stupidity isn't, thankfully for you" she said stiffly.
"Oi! I'm going through heartbreak! Hold the insults!" I said. She rolled her eyes.
"You wouldn't be going through heartbreak if you were sensible!"

I stomped my foot and raged internally. This mother mine was so...so...frustrating! I might just go to Devon just to stop her incessant bugging. Then again, knowing my motherly figure, this was probably exactly what she wanted. That evil little-

"Gwen"
"Uh...space out?" I offered. She shook her head, looking so completely done with me that I almost felt sorry for her. Almost.
"I do not know why I even try"
"Because you love me" I sang "Hey at least that's one person" I joked afterwards. Okay maybe that was a little sad. More than a little.
"Oh he's definitely in love with you" she dismissed my concerns like she was swatting a fly.
"Not after the last time he ain't"
"Don't say 'ain't'. And yes he is"
"You don't know that"
"Yes, yes I do" she said mysteriously.
"How?" I asked curiously. She shook her head and proceeded to not give me an explanation. As one does. I scowled at her "Tell me!"
"No" she had that stupidly infuriating smile on her face again
"How come?" I said, exasperated.
"It's not my reason to tell" she said smugly
"What do you mean?"
"Go ask him yourself" and with that she smiled down at me, an almost pitying smile that made the ache in my chest thud and I looked away, not meeting her eyes.

She got up, gave me one last look and then left the room, leaving me hanging upside down with my heart in my throat and a high chance of making a bad decision. I pondered actually talking to him and then dismissed it as a bad idea. Which it was. A horrible idea. What did it matter anyway? A lot, it matters a lot said the incessantly stupid voice in my head. I sighed and dusted off my laptop.

When it had finally switched on (why is everything I own crap?) I shot off an email to May, telling her I was using her Facebook for a bit. I knew this was a bad idea, but I couldn't help myself. Maybe if I just saw his face...

It was a bad idea.

His Facebook was filled with pictures of him laughing, smiling. Him in other people's pictures, him in his mom's when on vacation to Machu Pichu, him at a beach party with some girl leaning on him. Granted, these were all old pictures but it gave me a very keen idea as to how much I'd missed in his life. I hadn't been there for him in those eleven years, just as he hadn't for me. What went one way, went the other. True, he'd been the one who'd left, but we'd never bothered to keep together, mutually. We were six, it was a long time ago. But just seeing how much he'd had without me, besides me...I didn't know if that hurt or made me happy.

Shocker, I was crying again.

My laptop pinged urgently, I looked down just in time to see the Skype notification disappearing. May.

'Don't look at his Facebook!' the message read
'Too late' I typed back.

Her incoming call was a thing of good fortune

"You're an idiot" was the first thing she said
"Yes, I've been told" I said, wiping my eyes. She raised an eyebrow.
"Are you crying?"
"Was"
"What?"
"Was crying"
"Right"

Silence.

"You should just go talk to him"
"No! What would I say?"
"That you're sorry?"
"No!"
"Come on"
"No May"

And with that I ended the call. I didn't need that kind of pressure. If only Gabby was here...

But Gabby was happily off on her honeymoon, living the dream, having little to no hitches with her beautiful Marcellus, while I was sitting here sobbing over my equally beautiful Devon.

Wait what ew no.

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A/N: So I've had a major writer's block all month and it hasn't been very fun. College applications are slaying me with the refined art of...erm...slayery. I'm a mess. Here you go.

xxx
Sage