Love/Fail

Chapter 22

Annoying Pinspiration Quote #22

"It's okay to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave."

Rupert's voice drew me back into the present moment, away from the car in the rain, away from Cody's sweet skin and that awful, amazing night, and back to the studio floor. "Mia love, what happened? It sounds like you two were all set to play hide the gearstick, if you get my drift."

I sipped my champagne to buy time. "I don't really know. I remember the kissing in great detail, but everything else after that I've actively tried to forget, because nothing really happened."

"But something must have happened to make you stop! People don't opt out of ragingly hot sex at the last minute for nothing. Did you get interrupted by a flock of randy seagulls wanting to join in?"

"Well, we kissed again, and then Cody said something..."

"What?"

"If we do this, M, we can never go back again.' I think we both realised at that moment that taking our friendship to the next level when I needed him as my friend was a silly idea. And it turned out to be the best decision, because it was only a few weeks later that all the stuff with that crappy counsellor happened. If Cody hadn't been around, if we'd been broken up or something, I don't know how I would have coped."

"Love, why didn't you try again after everything settled down?"

Rupert was asking the same question I'd asked myself for years. I sighed. "I honestly don't know. I waited for him to ask me again, but he never did. We stayed close, dated other people, and I wondered if maybe he just stopped feeling that way about me."

Rupert snorted. "Trust me, love. I adore you, but that man loves you. Only an idiot couldn't see that."

"Well, call me an idiot then, because I don't know." I crossed my legs, curling forward. "Sometimes I think we've left it too late, that we've slid too deep into the friend zone to ever crawl out, and that's even if both of us were fully committed to making it happen. I know I'm keen, but he's given me no clear indicators. Plus, he's actually living with someone now. I'm not that kind of girl who breaks up relationships."

"You're a bit passive, aren't you, love?" said Rupert, not unkindly.

"Excuse me?"

"Well, I don't mean it as an insult, more as an observation." He sat forward, his loose shirt gaping at the neck and his bracelets jangling. "You've been letting life happen to you since your mum died, and if I had to guess - not being a fancy brain doc or anything - I'd say that her death made you feel like you couldn't control the universe at all, so you didn't really bother trying."

"Isn't that the truth?" I said hotly. "You can make all the plans you want, and a massive brain tumour or a drunk driver could change your destiny in a second! What's the point of trying?"

"Because what if the opposite happens? What if you live to be ninety, and you haven't accomplished anything? You're not afraid of failing, Mia love. You're afraid if you do try, something will come along and destroy what you've worked for. But the truth is that yes, the universe is random, but it also favours the intelligently brave."

"I... I'm just scared." A tear slid down my face, just a single droplet wrung from the fountain of my eyes that appeared to have finally run dry. "I'm a coward. I worry about the losses, and until you came along, I've never had the courage to just throw myself out there."