Love/Fail

Chapter 23

Annoying Pinspiration Quote #23

"The beauty of life is, while we can't undo the past, we can understand it, learn from it and change."

"If we do this, we can never go back again."

"I know," I murmur, leaning back in, wanting more of Cody's mouth, more of him.

He stops me, gentle hands on my shoulders. "M, please. I just want to be honest. You're vulnerable right now, and this doesn't feel like the right timing. Because if we do this... It's a first in a lot of ways. And I want you to know that if we cross this line, we won't be best friends anymore. We'll be something more."

I hear the 'something more' part, but I don't absorb it. I'm too fixated on the 'won't be best friends' bit. Horror grips me. "What do you mean? We'll still be us, right?"

"Of course! Just... this is a big deal," says Cody, tracing patterns on my collarbone with his broad thumbs. "Our friendship is going to change. I just want you to be ready for it."

"No..." My lips don't work properly, my grief and hormone soaked brain struggling to assimilate anything. "No more change! If doing this means I lose you, I can't do it!"

"No, Mia, that's not what I-"

"Oh god! What happens if we break up?" I say, shuddering. "What if I'm no good at sex, or you get bored, or something? Then what? I lose my mum and my best friend all in one go?"

"I won't get bored and you won't be bad, I promise. Mia, it's okay."

"No, it's not." I shove away, crawling back to my side of the car. The tears have begun again, the loss of my mother gouging holes throughout my chest, and the mere thought of losing Cody too has sent my logic skittering away into the night. "We're too young. We'll break up. You'll be gone and I'll have no one. Please, Cody! Please, don't leave!"

I know how I sound, like a whimpering child, but I'm only eighteen and I am a partial orphan. Losing Mum is breaking my sanity, and the only hope I have of making it through to the other side is with Cody there to help. Curling my knees up into my chest, I weep again, hiding my face from the man who holds my fragile heart in his hands.

Soft material touches my shoulders. Cody slides my dress back over my head, saying calmly, "I'm not going to leave. I'm right here, okay? We don't have to do this now – that's why I checked. Let's just take care of you right now. Anything else can wait. I can ask you again another day."

The image of trying again fills my head, the heat and the sweetness something to look forward to. Then more images; the two of us fighting, Cody storming away, a life without our friendship. "No. Don't ask me again. Don't risk our friendship."

"Mia, I'm not going to pressure you-"

Suddenly, I'm yelling, angry at the world but poring it out onto him. "Stop! Please, Cody, promise me – you won't ask again! It needs to be this way, we're stronger as friends. Promise me! Please!"

"Okay, okay, M." His eyes are sad but understanding. "I promise. I won't ask again."

"Thank you," I breathe, the panic subsiding. I squeeze his fingers as if I'm drowning. It's going to be okay. No more change. He'll be here.

Cody's thick eyebrow lifts hopefully. "But you know... You can always ask me when you're ready."

Will I ever be ready for a leap like that? I don't know, but I hug him fiercely. "I'll keep that in mind, my friend."