Finding Myself

The Tears

Every night I lie in bed tears just burst out like a bursting pipe. I try not to think about everything going on but I can't help it. You'd think that by now I'd be happy and living freely. But no. To this day I cry about what could have been.
Sometimes when I dress up all nice with my makeup I wish I could send you a picture of me like I used to and you tell me "beautiful" or "my baby". I almost did that today. I was going to send it and pretend that I did it on accident. Stupid right? And the post? Yeah I deleted that myself. My insecurities came through and basically and told me "he doesn't care" "he doesn't give a fuck about you" "why do you even try anymore" "you really think he cares" and after that I deleted it. I just got so afraid when you said it disappeared that I didn't know what to do.
So I lied. I know I shouldn't have lied. But if I told you all that what would you have said? You would have gotten mad. You would have told me "you need to move on" "I want you to be okay" "we can't be together anymore. I'm not good for you" "I've moved on". That's what I didn't want to hear. So I said my friends did it. The tears almost came back today. But I have to act strong in front of my family. They can't know about my scars. Or my tears.........