Finding Myself

Not Feeling Myself

Just when I thought I found myself, I lost my self just like that. As the year started it wasn't the easiest. My grandpa was in the hospital for the entire month.  He was very very sick but just when we thought he was leaving us, he'd get up in bed and be perfectly normal. And then it happened. Monday, he was in bed talking. My parents went to go see him, I didn't and that's my biggest regret, they talked with him and came home around 1am Tuesday Jan 24 2017. 4 hours later my dad gets a call. The call we all were terrified of getting. He was gone. 6:30am my mom knocks on my door and my brothers door. "Aja just passed" my heart dropped. Through the week we were at my grandma's house making sure she was okay. The viewing was on Friday and he just looked so different. He wanted his funeral in Fiji so my uncle, grandma, and aunt took him there. It was Sunday here and Monday there. 3pm there and 7pm here. He was gone forever. I'm not happy. Of course I'm not but I can't bring him back by being unhappy.

Monday. Jan 30, 2017
Like it wasn't hard enough that I lost one important person on my life. My boyfriend, well ex now, face times me. I thought everything was perfectly fine. Yeah I've had a hard month but everyone does. He tells me he can't handle the stress of a relationship. That his depression and anxiety was getting in the way and taking a toll on him. He says he doesn't want take it out on me. Says he wants to be just friends. No matter what I say or do he won't listen so why bother making things worse. We talk it out, end up saying it's the best decision, say our goodnights, and hang up. I don't blame him. He never hurt me. He always treated me like a queen. I just wish he chose a better time. I care about him, I do, I just don't feel like crying. Maybe it's because I'm trying to be strong or just have cried all my tears.