Strive

Chapter 16

SARAH’S POV

“My real home.” I choked. “With Daddy.”

Justin froze, every muscle tensing as he forced out a heavy breath. “Sarah, what do you-?”

“I want to go back home with Daddy.” I blurted out again, this time the words felt like acid to force past my teeth. Each word hurt more than the last, yet I still found myself saying them again. “I miss Daddy.” I mumbled, unable to take Justin’s still gaze any longer.

His face scrunched painfully as though he was still trying to comprehend what I’d said. “Sarah, how long have you felt this way? Why do you feel this way. I mean… I just…” His stuttering voice trailed off leaving him more hollow and empty than before. I could see the life being drained from his face, as I spoke the next few words.

“Since we first left.” I confessed honestly. Though it had only been maybe a week ago, it felt as though we’d been gone for ages. The desire to crawl back into the familiar dark ate at me as I sat through sleepless night after night. And yet, I found myself screaming, thrashing, begging for help whenever so much as Daddy’s name appears in my dreams. I hated him. He brought me nothing but pain and fear that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. To see his face would bring a knot to my stomach so tight I fear it would tear me apart, leaving me helpless as he stood above me.  I cried myself to sleep, still able to feel his hands on me, silently praying that he’d be merciful and put me out of my misery.

And yet there was a certain safety in the darkness I’d left. I knew what the day would bring and how the night would captivate us. I black horrified me, though it kept me sane. In the dark no one has a face, but Daddy, because he controls the lights. Nothing changes unless Daddy willed it and no one got hurt unless Daddy was sure it was right. He was evil, I know, but… I miss the dark. I miss the certainty.

I miss my home.

We sat in silence, listening to the hand tick all the way around the clock at least five times until Justin spoke. “Why?” His hushed voice croaked out. “Why do you miss Daddy?” He looked up at me and cocked his head, his ever-growing brown hair falling over his hurt face. “After all that he’s…” His hand clutched the bandage wrapped around his torso and cringed.

I hated myself even more. I couldn’t answer his question. Why did I want to go back? Why did I miss the dark that brought nothing but nightmares? Why did I miss Daddy? Why did I miss the man that hurt me; that hurt Justin? Why did I want to crawl back onto my broken cot and fall back into a helpless sleep? Why? Because it was constant? Because it was honest? Because it was familiar? Maybe I was insane. Maybe Daddy was too. Maybe we weren’t so different. After all, he raised me. He was a part of my life since I was eight. The beatings, the pain, the bruises, the lashes, even the rape was a routine. A routine that felt wrong to be broken.

“What’s wrong with me?” I rasped. Without allowing him to reply, I continued. “I hate him, Justin. I hate him so much for what he did to me and to you. I hate that he held us in the basement, I hate the way he felt, I hate his face, his voice, his skin, his home. But I still love him. I still love my Daddy, so much and I hate that the most above everything. I hate that I loved the times he made me laugh. I hate that a monster could make me feel happy sometimes.” My hands began to shake, no mater how hard I tried to conceal them the shaking continued. My chest began to clench and suddenly all I could think of was Justin laying in a puddle of his own blood. His face was drained and his voice was hardly audible. He smiled at me as the bullet stole the life from him. All I could see was the blood flooding over my arms and into my lap. I held Justin’s head to my chest and begged him to stay with me. I thought for certain I’d never see him again. I thought for certain Daddy had won. My voice cracked and my head rose, meeting Justin’s eyes for the first time. His gaze was hollow, though it was obvious how much pain he was hiding behind his eyes. I may love Daddy, but Justin was the most important person to me. And somehow I’d managed to break him more than I could ever know. “Justin, Daddy almost killed you.  H-he beat you with chairs, bottle, electrical cords… he burned you and-“ My voice froze, unable to repeat the word. Though the recognizable agony in Justin’s eyes was more than enough proof. I swallowed hard, forcing myself to continue. “  I’m so sorry.” Was all I had left to say. What more was there to tell him? What more could I say without breaking him further?