Pull Me Up (a destiel au fanfic)

chapter 14

We stayed at Claire's house for almost three hours, just bonding with her parents and Alex. Cas and I ended up both getting his number, with a promise to go out to dinner sometime. I felt as thought it may be a little uncomfortable, considering Cas and I were together and Alex was in a relationship with our good friend's parents, but he was so laid back we figured it would be less awkward than we thought. 

As we headed out with Charlie and Claire close behind us, Castiel reached for my hand. I looked away and stuffed them into my pockets. 

It wasn't exactly that I was angry with him, but I didn't really know if I could be affectionate on a day like today. It started badly anyways, with that pressure on my chest and shoulders, and my throat closed. I should have known that it would be a flop to attempt to do anything at all today. Hearing that Cas worked at a rehab center was triggering as well. It only made me feel more guilty that I didn't do more to help Sam get clean. Or that Jo didn't.

Despite what Claire had said about Jo practically setting Cas and I up together, I couldn't forgive her for not getting Sam help from him when he was struggling. She knew that Sam was doing things that he shouldn't have been, and she went to no length farther than her own personal comfort to assist him. It was hypocritical of me to think, but I also didn't know a man who worked as a therapist in a rehab facility who could help. 

"Dean," he whispered, trying to make me look him in the eye. I just shook my head and hesitated before approaching the pond. The temperature had dropped at least twenty degrees since I'd fallen in, so I took the chance to walk across it. Right upon stepping on it, my foot began to slip. "Dean!" he said a little louder, grabbing my arm through my coat. I looked at his hand, then up at him. His face was practically begging me to get off of the ice, but I couldn't exactly process it. It was as if it was just when Sam had died; my brain was like sludge, never exactly sending signals to my emotions. So I sighed and pulled my arm from his gentle grip. I walked carefully across the pond, examining the cuts from Claire's skates like I had a few weeks before. 

I reached the other end without another slip up, but there was now adrenaline coursing through me upon facing my fear of the ice. I looked to her, gesturing to her car. 

"Oh, Charlie and I were gonna go home," she said, furrowing her eyebrows. "Or to your house I mean. Can Cas just take you? Seeing my parents is always really draining for me." She shrugged and I sighed. 

I was just about to protest when Cas's hand rested on my back, and he replied, "Yeah, I'll take him."

I groaned under my breath, speeding up so he wasn't touching me anymore. I got into the passenger's seat of his pimp-mobile angrily and crossed my arms while I waited for him to drive me to the cafe to pick up my car. 

He sighed and turned to me, "Dean-"

"Castiel, I swear to god," I shook my head, continuing to stare forward. "I am not in the mood."

"Not in the mood for what, Dean? Talking to me at all?"

"Can you please just give me some space for a little while, Cas? Please?" I asked softly. 

"Dean," he urged me to look at him and finally I did. "Of course I can give you some space," he shook his head. "All you ever need to do is ask, Dean. Please, just do that instead of stomping off or telling me that we'll talk only when you want to talk. If you say you need space, I can give you space, you just have to tell me what you want."

I was genuinely surprised, although I shouldn't have been. Castiel was always so calm and compassionate, never raising his voice or getting angry. "I-" he was so considerate that I didn't even know how to respond. I wasn't used to someone so chillingly stable. It was like I was stuck in complete darkness, and I barely felt a desire to get out, but when Cas came around, he was a flashlight, and I realized I wanted to get out all along.