Pull Me Up (a destiel au fanfic)

chapter 7

I woke up to a weight on my chest. 

Not in the metaphorical sense. 

I sucked in a suffocated breath and opened my eyes to see a mess of a brown haired head on my chest. 

The memory of the previous night suddenly flooded my mind and I closed my eyes. 

I'm such an idiot. 

How could I let that happen? Why did I just go along with Castiel when he'd made the split decision to kiss me? I was so uncomfortable even now with him draped across me, how had I managed to get myself into the situation where we had been getting heated on my bed. 

I groaned internally, not rude enough to wake Castiel. 

I brought a hand to my face. It's because I'd been drinking and it was obvious that that was the answer to the question of why invading my mind. 

I shouldn't have had any alcohol, I'd vowed to myself that I wouldn't use it to get over Sam's death, and I lied to myself. 

I'd expected to think upon last night and remember the abundance of feelings coursing through me, but I didn't remember any and that scared me. I didn't feel anything, just like how it'd been when Sam first died. It bothered me in more ways than one, but mostly because I didn't want to admit to myself that I'd used Cas as a distraction last night. 

It was obvious that that was the case, though, and I didn't know how I'd let myself fall into that position. The whole day had been going better than I'd imagined the one month anniversary to go, but there was always that looming sense of depression nagging at the back of my mind. 

I'd ignored it all day, but when I used a "guy's night" as an excuse to drink, it was clear the night would go down hill from there. Addressing the issue that I hated to think about in my mind was incredibly hard, more so than I'd expected, so I took the opportunity before Cas woke up to slide out from under him, wincing when I heard the little whimper he let out when I stood up. But he remained asleep, only trying to nuzzle further into the pillows. 

I looked at him for a second longer, then checked my clock. It was only 7:45, so I got up and decided to go for a drive to clear my thoughts. Thankfully no one was awake yet, Jo had only gotten back from work three hours ago and Ellen was probably around the same. Charlie, though, either never slept or slept way too much, so she was probably passed out. 

I slid into my boots quietly, not bothering to take my jacket, grabbed my keys and slipped out the door. It had snowed last night, making the walk to my car quite difficult. The snow was crawling up my pajama pants and biting at my legs. I shook them out when I got into the car and blew out a steam of breath. I turned the heat all the way up to defrost me and started her right away. 

The streets were horrid, making me wonder if it was a good idea for me to drive in this weather, then remembering I honestly didn't give a shit. 

My brain turned to autopilot relatively quickly whilst I was cruising down the street and I got lost in my head again. 

I was overly irritated with myself for being a horrible friend to Cas like that. If he felt real, emotional feelings towards me and I just totally screwed him over last night, I would feel awful. 

But on the other hand, it's not like we did anything other than kiss. I could easily pass it off as a drunken mishap or say I was a complete light weight and didn't even remember what happened. 

Of course I probably wouldn't do that, considering the fact that I would not only feel horrible, but I'm also too bad of a liar for something like that. Whenever I lied I didn't blink and ended up with watery eyes and everyone thought I was crying, so, easy solution: don't lie.