Chapter 41: Cheryl’s POV
I sat curled up on the sofa, vaguely concentrating on the music channels playing in front of me. I had returned home from the hospital a few days ago and I was actually feeling ok considering. Considering what exactly? Considering I had Cancer? Considering I had a big lump on my liver that determines whether im going to live or die? I felt the tears slowly start to make their way down my cheeks; I quickly wiped them away with the back of my hand hoping that the wetness that was now on my cheeks wasn’t visible to anyone else to see. I stared at the television screen as they announced the next video; Whole Lotta History by Girls Aloud. I sighed as I stared at the screen. Just watching the opening sequence with Kim singing reminded me of what I had put her through, what we were currently going through. The beginning of that song always sounded as if we could have actually been singing it to eachother than about a guy.
I felt the tears streaming down my face as I continued to watch me and Kimba on screen, I think the seriousness of my situation was finally kicking in, I think to begin with I hadnt exactly accepted it or let it sink in. I was now realising that this maybe it for me, I may only live for 3 – 6 months or maybe a couple of years if im lucky. One thing that I did know was that if I am going to die, I wanted to go out with a bang, I wanted to makesure that I managed to do everything that I had always wanted to do before I die, I wanted to makesure that I died laughing rather than crying and I wanted to makesure that my Kimba was with me the whole way through. Because what I do know is that it’s my fault ive got this cancer, I was addicted to alcohol and drugs for so many years and now im paying the price, they do say Karmas a *Female Dog*. I just needed to start by helping Kim give up the alcohol; I didn’t want her going down the same route as I did because at the end of the day drowning my sorrows is how I started out too.
I turned my attention back to the TV screen just as Kara walked into the room, ‘Are you feeling ok mam’ she asked tentatively, I didn’t want my own daughters to feel like they needed to walk on eggshells around me, I was still there mam even if I did have this cancer. At the present moment I could still walk, still talk, still dance, still go out for the day, still drop them to and from school and college. In fact there wasn’t much I couldn’t do. I nodded and offered her a smile before opening my arms for a hug, she walked over, settled on the sofa beside me and I wrapped her in my arms. I felt her body shake beside me as she dissolved into tears; I think it was finally hitting her aswell. ‘Alyssa wants to take me out but I don’t wanna go’ she mumbled, I raised my head up to look her in the eye, ‘Why’ I queried, slightly confused, ‘I thought you liked Alyssa?’ I finished. ‘I do, a lot’ she smiled slightly. ‘Well then why?’ I asked again, ‘I just… Its just…What if you are not here when I come back’ Kara cried, ‘Oh baby girl’ I cried, ‘I promise I will still be here, I am a fighter and I will die, everything is going to be ok and even if the worst did happen then it wouldn’t happen today’ I offered, ‘Just go out, have a good time, try to forget about it, you need it babe’ I continued. ‘You are only 15, you have to live your own life, and you don’t want me and this cancer ruining that for you.
I sat there stroking her hair whilst she closed her eyes and relaxed beside me, ‘I love you so much baby girl. We are going to be ok I swear. You are going to go out with Alyssa and you are going to have a good time and even if just for those few hours that you are together, you will forget about our problems, ok?’ I smiled. She nodded, gave me a kiss on my forehead and got up to leave the room, ‘thanks mam, I love you’. I smiled at her and squeezed her hand before replying, ‘I know babe, and I love you too’.
Kara’s POV
I walked up to Alyssa’s front door and knocked, Alyssa swung the door open and smiled, ‘Come on, lets go’ she smiled before grabbing my hand. We walked down some backstreets until we got to a small carnival; I was lead through the masses of people until we reached an ice skating rink. My face lit up; ‘I remember you telling me that you’d never been ice skating and always wanted to try it’ Alyssa smiled nervously. ‘I can’t believe you remembered that’ I exclaimed with a shocked expression. ‘I do listen to you, you know… And im here if you want to talk at all, about anything’ She smiled at me, ‘I know, but it just hurts to talk about it at the moment, makes it real’ I sighed sadly, ‘I get that, but im here if you change your mind’ She gripped my hand tightly to offer her support. ‘I know, means a lot, thanks’ I sighed heavily. She grinned, ‘Come on, lets go Ice skating’.
Kim’s POV
I laid curled up in my babys arms on the couch, I was trying to be brave for her but I knew that the minute my head hit the pillow that my thoughts would invade my mind once again. Ever since I had found out about the cancer, the nightmares had overtaken my mind everytime I went to sleep. They scared me so much that I had now begun struggling to sleep and instead just watched Cheryl throughout the night. Of course I hadnt told her that, I didn’t want her to know how much I was affected by this. However I should have known how Cheryl notices my every emotion however much I tried to hide it, That’s Love.
I ran my hand down Cheryls arm until my fingers were interlaced with hers and rested my head on top of hers, kissing her lightly on her head as I did so. I watched as Cheryl closed her eyes and began to drift off. I know she said she was feeling better now that they had given her some tablets to take leading up to the surgery in a couple of weeks but I could tell that she still felt nautious and constantly tired. I held her tightly as she slept in my arms. I kissed her on the head once again before slowly removing myself and placing her lightly on the sofa, I then covered her with a blanket. I took a deep breath before heading into the kitchen to grab something to eat. I finally realised I hadnt eaten anything all day and that I was actually quite hungry.
Kara’s POV
I dragged Alyssa away from the carnival; I gripped her hand tightly in one hand and the almost empty vodka bottle in the other as I dragged her down an alleyway before slamming her back into the wall and pushed my lips to hers. I continued to caress her tongue with mine as I ran my hands up and down her sides, massaging her breasts as I did. ‘I want you’ I mumbled, Alyssa just shook her head at me, ‘What do you mean No’ I snapped, ‘We are not doing this here, its not right, I do not want to do this in some scrummy alleyway when you don’t really want it and whilst you are drunk’ She explained. ‘I do want it’ I cried, I watched as she continuously shook her head, ‘No you don’t, you are just trying to use it as a way of forgetting about your mam and this is not the way to do it. Just talk Kara, talk to me’ Alyssa cried, ‘Whats there to talk about, my mam has *Ducking* cancer and theres nothing I can do about it, I don’t wanna talk, I just wanna *Duck*’ I screamed, ‘Yeah well I don’t’ she cried. ‘Well *Duck* you then’ I screamed before slamming the vodka bottle on the floor and stumbling back towards the carnival.
‘Kara, I just want to help, I wanna be there for you, you can talk to me, just stop using sex and drink as a way to try and forget about your emotions and feelings because it wont work’ screamed Alyssa, ‘maybe just for for a few minutes but not for more than that, come on talk to me please’ she continued. ‘ I leant on the wall before sliding myself down it, ‘I feel so helpless’ I cried, ‘Shes my mam but Ive always had to be the one l;ooking after her and just as that starts to change because shes given up the alcohol and drugs, she gets this *Ducking* cancer that ruins everything. Why her?! Why my mam?!’ I screamed into the cold night air. Alyssa wrapped her arm around my shaking body as I rested my head on her shoulder, ‘Its ok babe, let it out’ she mumbled as she kissed me lightly on my head and held me as I cried.
