There are times when I feel completely empty. Like now I feel completely numb & unreal. That's something else. Unreal. Nothing feels real. Almost never have I stopped & thought "I am wholly & ecstatically content with reality". Never. Most of the time I do, say, & act like things don't matter & then I sit down, alone, & think holy shit what the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I be real, honest, what the hell. And the next day I act exactly the same. I lived the same way for the past 10 years of my life & my mind, soul, & body have become completely... numb to it. I don't know what's wrong with me. What's wrong with me. What the hell is wrong with me. Sometimes I feel so fake too. Like whenever I say I want to kill myself I tell myself 'well if I wanted to die why haven't I done it already? Why the hell am I still here?' And it just drags me down deeper because I don't find my own pain valid. It's scary. I'm so analytical that I depress myself with how much I notice my depression. Like a loop of self hate. I say I want to die & then I slap myself for being so... fake? & then I hate myself for still feeling like shit even after for some reason I see the fact that my suicidal thoughts are fake & attention seeking. And I keep feeling shitty til I want to kill myself for hating myself so much & it starts all over again. Fuck my life.
