"Can I go to the bathroom?"
"What for?"
"TO OPEN THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS..... BITCH WHAT DO YOU THINK?!"
Maybe girls are attracted to assholes because in elementary school girls were told " if he's mean to you that means he secretly likes you"
Most Common Lies:
- I won't laugh. I promise
- Your table will be ready in a few minutes
- I'm just kidding
- I never got your text
- I have read and agreed to the terms and conditions
- You will need to know this later in life
- I'm fine
- No i'm okay. I'm just tired
- Okay, just one more episode
- I'm on my way
- Sorry, my parents said no
Parents:" We need to talk."
Me: *Million things run through my mind. What did the find out about!?*
Parents: "Stop leaving the lights on."
When someone you don't know gives you a dirty look:
"May I help you bitch?"
No matter how old you are, no matter how much of a badass you think you are, if a 3 year old hands you their ringing toy phone, you answer it.
When you lose or break something and your friend says "Just buy a new one."
I'm broke nigga, I'M BROKE.
When some random person insults someone you hate:
I LIKE YOU
I'm a female.
fe- iron
male- man
Therefore I am Iron man.
*Home alone*
Expectation: Yea Partyyy!
Reality: Peeing with the door open....
That sad moment when you fall in love with a shirt, check the price tag and slowly walk away
Shout out to the random three eyed monkey on Nickelodeon that would randomly pop up after shows and says "Hi i'm Paul"
If LMFAO wrote a song about me, it'd go a lot like this:
"I'm awkward and I know it!"
When my brain turns a totally innocent comment into something sexual.
1. Open fridge. Nothing to eat.
2. Open pantry. Nothing to eat.
3. Lower standards and repeat.
When I'm at home on a school day, I look at the clock and think. "Haa, those bitches are in math class!" ;)
3 facts about you
1) You can't say "M" without your lips touching.
2) You're trying it now looking like an idiot.
3) Now you're smiling.
School dress code is dumb. Girls can't show their shoulders? What guy is gonna look at a girl girl and say "Dang, that's a fine shoulder."
Everything magically appears when your mom looks for it...
YouTube is addicting... I click on a music video next thing you know I'm watching how to make ice cream
When someone insults you and you don't have a witty comeback:
You smell funny
That awkward moment when a package says "Easy open" and you end up using scissors a knife, a hammer, a gun and a lightsaber trying to open it.
Admit it, you've tried to balance the light switch in the middle at least once in your life.
Doctor:
"ok, so what's wrong?"
me:
*looks at mom waiting for her to explain*
"Okay class, pass up last nights homework."
me: shit, we had homework?!
Me: *Breathes*
Mom: "I am sick and tired of your attitude!"
When people tell me to stop obsessing over tv shows:
If I could I would, but I can't so I shan't
My first thought when my alarm cgoes off in the morning:
WHO DISTURBS MY SLUMBER
If my alarm is set for 6:00 & you wake me up at 5:56
PREPARE. TO. DIE.
Me: "I didn't do it!"
Teacher: "Then why are you laughing?"
Me: "Because whoever did it is a freaking legend!"
YOU ARE READING
The Book Of Random
RandomHello and welcome to 'The Book Of Random!' This book contains some jokes quotes and many many more! WARNING This book may be highly offensive to some people. In my opinion it doesn't affect me. If you are highly offended in some chapters..... That i...
